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DOs and DON’Ts with The Dapper Dipper

Every now and then I see behavior from fraternity men on campus that, for lack of a better term, pisses me the fuck off. This column will address the actions which some may deem acceptable but are truly slandering the name of our organizations. If you read these and think you are excused from the behavior I mention because you are the exception to some “fratstar” rule, you’re sadly mistaken…and stop calling yourself a fratstar, you sound like a joke.

DON’T: Double Letter.

Without fail there is always one guy on campus who wears his letters like they are going out of style. I don’t care what fraternity you are in, if you manage to make it out of your house with letters printed on everything from your bar hat to your croakies, they WILL go out of style. Another thing, if you are at a bar, don’t letter at all. You know the guy who is always wearing a frat tank with his letters on them during happy hour? Don’t be him. He’s a tool.

Do: Define your letters, don’t let them define you.

Best house or worst, there’s no better PR for your letters than blowing away a girl on your own merit and letting her figure out what house you are in. Guys that have to first mention what house they belong to when meeting a girl in hopes of getting laid are awful. Girls who care solely about what letter you are wearing are whores. Avoid both.

DON’T: Text like a woman.

Totes, presh, probs, hearts, smileys, and even lol are totally acceptable things to text me…if you don’t have a dick. Stop abbreviating things. I understand some girls like guys they can relate to, but you don’t need to talk to them like you’re a eunuch in order to facilitate this. When I hear a guy’s voice raise an octave when a female friend enters the room, America dies a little. Be a man and talk like one.

DO: Drunk text women.

If you have something important to say to me, call me up. I stick to this rule because it allows me to estimate how inebriated the caller is and how rowdy the venue they are calling from might be. If you don’t care how long it takes me to get back to you, text me. However, if you are trying to cap off your night with some more-than-friendly female company, by all means text till your thumbs fall off. If you can keep your spelling in check, most ladies won’t know how drunk you are. If the texts look like something that shows up on a term paper once your face hits the keyboard after the Adderall wears off, at least you have something funny to read on the shitter in the morning. Either way, win win.

DON’T: “Bro” me, bitch.

There is nothing more infuriating than someone who half shoulder checks you on his way to the bar then follows it up with the ever-douchey “My bad, bro.” Are you in MY fraternity? Did MY mother give birth to you? If the answer to both of these questions is no, then I am not your fucking bro. Quit being an ass-hat or move to the west coast, brah.

Do: Say excuse me

As a fraternity man, I understand that when we are drunk we can get a little careless. I also understand that we may not always like each other, especially when we are drunk. However, if we are in the presence of beautiful women at our favorite bar, let’s try to keep it civil. It takes two tremendous assholes to ruin the carefree atmosphere of happy hour with a bar fight, and it pisses off the ladies we are trying to have a good time with as well. Both of these are unacceptable, so next time you accidentally bump me on your way to whatever frozen fruit cocktail you’re going to buy, say excuse me. I’m drunk and in a good mood, I’ll let it slide.

That’s it for now, but it’s only a couple weeks into fall. I’m sure the onslaught of freshman accepting bids and the shit I had to put up with last year that I forgot about over summer will continue to fuel my fire. Until then, stop being a prick.

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jakewgoldman

Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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