I remember my first philanthropy, a certain event thrown by Delta Gamma, which is apparently trademarked and forbidden from being named, like it was yesterday. This is impressive, since as the title suggests, I had been drinking. Also impressive? That I didn’t drown. Truly, it’s a miracle my mom doesn’t spend her days speaking at high schools and Greek alcohol assemblies about the dangers of drinking and swimming. Anyway, DG was a top-tier house and almost every fraternity participated in their event. The philanthropy consisted of synchronized swimming, races, and a diving competition. The actives sat our pledge class down and told us we were going to do the synchronized swimming part because “shit rolls downhill.” When we were assigned coaches from DG to help us practice we were in better spirits because they were very hot. Our coaches told us our theme was Westside Story and we’d be doing a routine while singing “I Feel Pretty.” Pretty typical humiliating pledge task. There was a silver lining, we were allowed to drink before the event and the DG’s said they would buy us alcohol.
The event was scheduled for a Friday afternoon. Sign-in started at 3:30 pm. The actives told us we weren’t allowed to start drinking until after our last class on Friday. My last class ended at 2:50 on the other side of campus. After class I got back to the house as quickly as I could and found my pledge brothers. They told me that DG bought us one case of Bud Light. Our pledge class had 24 guys. To remedy this injustice some of my pledge brothers had gone to the store and bought a bunch of handles. My pledge brother Adam had also just returned from class so we decided to play catch up and started taking shots. We each downed 5 double shots of whiskey and by that time we had to leave for the event. We drank some roadies on the way.
Once we arrived at the pool we signed in and went back to the parking lot to drink some more. The last clear memory I have is drinking a beer in the parking lot with some of my pledge brothers. After that we went inside the pool area and started getting temporary tattoos from our DG coaches because, I don’t fucking know, we were about to perform “I Feel Pretty” in a pool, nothing really made sense. The rest of this story was relayed to me by my pledge brothers the next day, as I had completely blacked out around then.
I was barely able to stand as the DG coaches put on my tattoos. One of my pledge brothers took me to the bathroom to splash some water on my face to help wake me up. After that I was taken back to our group and placed in a chair on the playground within shouting distance of my friends but far enough away that they could claim they didn’t know me. After a while I felt like I was going to puke and stumbled to the bathroom. I passed out in the handicap stall on the floor. God only knows how much urine I was sleeping in. Eventually my pledge brothers wondered where I went and found me in the bathroom. Two of them propped me up and we made our way back to our camp. Once there they sat me in the same chair. After a few minutes I started puking everywhere.
At this point the director of the event saw me and informed our house that I was kicked the fuck out and had to leave immediately. One of my sober pledge brothers pulled a car up to the entrance and I was carried out by my hands and feet in front of everyone. I was that guy.
My pledge brothers put me in a car and took me back to the house. When we arrived they threw me on my bed and raced back to the pool to dance around in their underwear. At that point it was 5:00pm. I slept until 9:00am the next day. When I woke up I had permanent marker tattoos all over my face and body. I had also contributed to our house getting disqualified from one of the biggest sorority philanthropy events at the school, and easily the most heavily attended.
Due to my actions, I wasn’t looking forward to pledge lineup the following Monday. The first active to speak recounted our dq from the philanthropy and my shenanigans. He made a grand statement: “This guy got so drunk he got kicked out of the entire event before it even started. Now THAT’S how you party”. All the actives concurred and then they hazed the shit out of us anyway, because of course they did.