Drunk College Girl Gets Stuck Between Two Buildingsby JParks 1 year ago
Granted, I’ve gotten myself stuck in some sticky situations during my various escapades into belligerence. It’s not easy barrel-rolling from sorority rooftop to sorority rooftop in order to get away from the police cars below like you’re a Casino Royale stuntman. But in all the predicaments I’ve found myself in, I’ve never once gotten myself trapped in between two separate and distinct buildings, because (a.) I’m not more enlarged than Gene Upshaw’s prostate, and (b.) I’m not a fucking retard.
A Rhode Island college student found herself stuck in a bad situation early Friday morning when she tried to run between two buildings and became wedged in the gap instead. Trapped in an eight-inch alley, Courtney Malloy, 22, had to be rescued by the local fire department after witnesses heard her screaming for help around 12:45 am.
“She was completely shaking and panicking and out of shape,” witness David Boutros, who owns a nearby bar, told the station. “She was panicking, she looked like she had a few alcohol… She didn’t know what to do. She was stuck between two buildings. She was trapped and she was breathing heavy.”
“It appears she was trying to make her way through the alley, and it got too tight for her,” acting Battalion Chief Jeffrey Varone told NBC-10 News. “She kept trying to get her way in, and she wedged herself in, about 24 inches off the ground in a horizontal position, and she was unable to move.”
In an ordeal that lasted over an hour, rescue crews removed a fence that blocked the alley and bashed in a concrete wall in attempts to reach her, until a firefighter was finally able to access the alley through a bar’s back door and freed her, according to the Providence Journal.
You know those girls that Lululemon should get a restraining order against? You know, to keep the optical insurance rates down in America? Well, I’m not saying that the girl here is fat. That would be chauvinistic and ungentlemanly. She could just be miserable with directions, like all women. Maybe Court was just trying to get the fuck out of Rhode Island, like any normal person would. And hey, I haven’t even seen a photo of the girl, so this is all mere speculation.
But when witnesses are calling you out of shape, police are describing you as horizontally wedged two feet above the ground, and you’re finding yourself stuck in between literal rocks and hard places…well, you’re probably extremely fat.
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