As a child, my dream was to go to Notre Dame. However, when I discovered you had to have a résumé rivaling that of Mother Teresa’s on top of actually having a GPA higher than your BAC to get in, I gave up on my childhood dream. It was a depressing time, but I pushed through and found a state school where the only requirement for admission was that your ACT was lower than your golf handicap. It was a match made in heaven.
One Notre Dame freshman must have slipped through the cracks, though, because on Sunday–God’s day of rest, of all days–he drank away his academic sorrows and ended up blackout inside a local business. The mischievous drunk apparently wandered to the business early Sunday morning and somehow managed to use a 100-pound flowerpot as a battering ram to bust through the front door. Once he stumbled inside, he found a hammer. He used this hammer to needlessly dig through the drywall until he broke through to the main area of the building. After crawling through his self-made tunnel, he discovered a fire extinguisher and promptly began to put out imaginary fires in four separate rooms, all while breaking lamps and furniture.
Police weren’t called to the business until later that morning, after a horrified employee arrived and discovered the destruction this lone hooligan had caused. As they searched the building, officers found him passed out on the second floor–along with some macaroni and cheese and a microwave full of Hot Pockets. Apparently he got hungry after his night of intoxicated adventures.
Unfortunately, this guy never got to eat his midnight meal. The South Bend Police Department hauled him out of the store and charged with burglary, vandalism, and underage drinking.
I’m sure he remembers about as much of Sunday morning as Manti Te’o remembers the first time he met Lennay in person.