Drunkenly Destroying Shit Is An American Pastime

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Alcohol has different effects on all of us. For some, drinking can cause elation and happiness. For others, it leads to sadness, depression, and late night calls to ex-girlfriends. However, regardless of its effect on you, I’ve found that alcohol, in great quantities, causes all of us to exhibit one common behavior. When we get shitfaced, we break stuff. I don’t mean we bump into a lamp or knock a picture off a wall. Well, we do, but that’s not what I mean. What I mean is, we outright destroy shit.

I’m guilty of it (perhaps more guilty than others), and I know many of you are too. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I think it’s something of which to be proud. I don’t know why, but something about drunkenly causing mayhem and destruction seems so American to me. It’s almost as if every time I unleash my drunken wrath upon an inanimate object, I hear the National Anthem playing in my head.

Patriotism aside, everyone knows that getting shitfaced and turning yourself into a human sledgehammer is one of the most fun activities available to the privileged young men of America’s colleges and universities. You didn’t end up closing with that chick from the bar? Forget about it. Take it out on the drywall. The House Manager can figure it out in the morning. Besides, that wall sucked anyway.

Another great thing about drunkenly breaking shit is its subsequent effect on your chapter’s new member education process. You see, those insolent newboy fucks probably need to learn a thing or two about hard work and discipline as it is. What better way to let them learn than by making them clean up after you? I mean, after all, it’s only fair.

Now, there’s no hardcore evidence behind this, but I’ve found through numerous trials that bourbon facilitates the best state of inebriation for destructive behavior. In particular, cheap bourbon works the best. I’m not sure what it is, but something about it will turn even the mildest man into a veritable King Kong. I still remember, well, I remember being told about it the next day, that after a night of drinking some of the finest bourbon known to man, Colonel’s Pride, I put on a Kevlar helmet, wielded a cavalry saber, and did everything within my power to destroy a bannister. It made sense at the time. That banister had to go.

Then, of course, there was the time a fifth-year in my chapter threw an antique grandfather clock down a flight of stairs. That one kind of pissed me off, as it was a pretty cool clock. At the same time, however, seeing it smash against the wall of the basement landing was magnificent. It was even more entertaining, and slightly terrifying, to see said fifth-year proceed to destroy the remnants of the clock with a wrecking bar. Why there was a wrecking bar in the basement at that time is still a mystery, but fuck it, right place and right time, I guess.

Drunken destruction can serve a higher purpose than pure enjoyment. Let’s not forget all the important important discoveries that can be made with a little booze and the right attitude. Will that couch burn? There’s only one way to find out. What’s the inside of an old big screen TV look like? Grab a 5 iron and take a look. What will happen if we throw this microwave off the roof? “I think it’ll smash into a thousand pieces and be a bitch for the pledges to clean up in the morning.” That’s a little thing called a hypothesis. It’s science.

The one downside to all that incredibly entertaining destruction is that you’re breaking your chapter’s stuff. That’s definitely a heavy con to this, guys, and must be taken into consideration. The fact that you don’t want to break your own stuff is why many often choose to break another chapter’s stuff, which, by the way, is ten to fifteen billion times more fun.

You never want to start an inter-fraternity war, but if it happens, it happens. As General MacArthur said, “There is no substitute for victory.” Go big or go home. You stole their letters? Fuck it. Burn them. Got a composite of theirs? Sounds like you just got yourself a new dart board. It’s a win-win situation. You’re having a great time destroying shit, and it’s not yours. Even better, it belongs to those assholes across the street. Fuck those guys.

Overall, I have to say that drunkenly destroying shit is more than a hobby of mine. It’s a tradition as old as time itself. Do you think the Visigoths were sober when they sacked Rome? Did the Sons of Liberty only have one drink before they dumped that tea into Boston Harbor? Was Bluto just drinking ginger ale the night he walked down those stairs at the Delta house and smashed the everloving shit out of that hippie’s guitar? Hell no. They were all shitfaced. It worked for them, it’ll work for you. Just don’t do anything too illegal.

On a more serious note, I’d like apologize to the Risk Managers and House Managers out there. Then again, I didn’t make you run for those positions. Sucks to be you.

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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