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Drunkenly Pissing Your Pants Is A Rite Of Passage

pee pants

In modern male society there are certain rites of passage. If you’re Jewish, you have your bar mitzvah. If you’re Catholic, you have that “I just jerked off for the first time and now feel incredibly guilty. I think I’m gonna cry. I’m so sorry, God” moment. More generally relatable rites of passage include interrupting one of your friends saying “this one time…” with an “at band camp?” after you watch an American Pie movie for the first time, the first time you accept and admit that Tom Brady is a god among men, and the first time you finally realize the definition of antidisestablishmentarianism (I still don’t know what it means, to be honest).

BUT, none of these pivotal, life-altering events can even hold a melting candle to what is THE most significant experience of your entire existence: peeing your pants in public.

When I say that, I’m not referring to your younger years, when you couldn’t hold it in during the first grade field trip to the local zoo so you painted the inside of your basketball shorts yellow. I’m not talking about when you’re an infant and you pee in your diaper like a goddamn rebellious bladder gangsta because times were just so much simpler back then.

No, I’m talking about pissing your pants way after you’ve been potty trained. When you’re way too old to be violating that sacred bond you share with your Old Navy jeans but you spill your lemonade anyway. When you’re as drunk as 2006 Lindsay Lohan at a loud crowded party/bar/club and you treat your boxers like R. Kelly treats teenagers.

Getting drunk and pissing your pants in public is essential to growing as a human being on a deep emotional and intellectual level. It gives you true perspective. It teaches you many important values that come in handy later in life. It teaches you humility. It teaches you restraint. It teaches you patience. It teaches you that you’re a disgusting animal no matter how goddamn hard you try to hide it. It teaches you that jamming out on a crowded dance floor to Eminem and Nate Dogg’s “Shake That” with piss painted in your pants is the most exhilarating feeling in the world.

I’ll never forget my first time. 11th grade. A party after the homecoming dance. My date was my left hand. I got absolutely hammered. I took 9 shots like 50 Cent and I had 21 questions, all of them being “….am I about to piss myself?” The line for the bathroom was longer than The Hobbit film trilogy. After a while, my bladder said “fuck it” and set itself free.

People saw. They laughed. A lot. I was humiliated, but secretly thought it was funny, too. I don’t remember much after that. I passed out on the floor faster than an aspiring actress in a hotel room with Bill Cosby.

I woke up feeling a weird sense of pride, randomly realizing “holy shit, I’m a man now!” So if you have peed your pants at a party, congratulations. And if you never have, shame on you! Your family is disappointed in you. So go piss yourself at a packed nightclub this weekend. God bless.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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