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Dunkirk Was Both A Bad And Not Very Good Movie

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It’s been a hell of a summer at the movies. Between The Big Sick, War For The Planet Of The Apes, Baby Driver, Wonder Woman, Detroit, and the new Spiderman, Hollywood has brought nothing but straight heat the last few months if we just rightfully ignore the Emoji Movie. But these past few weeks, there’s another film that everyone has been lying to you about. A pretentious snooze-fest masquerading as an emotional masterpiece. A WWII drama you’ve probably seen the trailers for called Dunkirk.

Everyone and their grandma has been recommending it to me like it wasn’t already on my to do list. I mean Christopher Nolan directed it. You know, the dude who made The Dark Knight trilogy, Inception, The Prestige, and just about every movie Michael Caine has been in the last two decades. I had high hopes. This guy gave us the best superhero movie ever (not counting Captain Underpants). He also made Interstellar. I love that movie even though I’ve seen it 15 times and I still don’t know what it’s about. I was pumped.

So it brings me no pleasure to inform you that this movie is like watching paint dry. The fact that it exists is irresponsible. I have a theory that Bill Cosby uses this movie to make his victims fall asleep. If you look up the word “boring” in the dictionary, it literally says “Not interesting, but still a better use of time than Dunkirk.” That’s not even a joke. It’s right there, clear as crystal, in your standard Merriam-Webster.

All the characters are one dimensional. No backstories. No names. This was a deliberate choice. But why? We’re given no reason to care about these characters, so once we get to the action there are no emotional stakes for the viewer. The large lack of dialogue was also a ballsy choice. The flick only clocks in at an hour and a half yet it feels 2 weeks long. They should have just called this movie “90 Minutes Of People Almost Drowning.”

So all of this begs the question, why is this film so critically acclaimed? It has a healthy 93 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, with critics hailing it as another Nolan masterpiece. I saw an article ranking all of Christopher Nolan’s movies and they put Dunkirk at number two — ahead of The Dark Knight.

On top of that, all my friends love this movie. Okay, that’s a lie, I don’t have friends. But all my imaginary friends love this movie. The world may never know why. Either way, there’s already an excess of WWII movies. The world needs another world war movie like the world needs another world war.

I love Christopher Nolan like he’s my father, but hot damn. All I can say is that if you have bad insomnia, you can cure it by seeing Dunkirk in IMAX tonight.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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