When articles like TFM’s Official Ranking Of The Top Party Schools In America For 2016 go up, the company spam folder usually gets pummeled with losers bitching about why their school wasn’t on the list. Most of them are pretty weak, but the one below is physically painful to read. Enjoy:
Dear Gentlemen and Lady of the Total Fraternity Move.com,
After reading your website’s recent publication, “TFM’s Official Ranking of the Top Party Schools in America for 2016” we were shocked and hurt to find that our university, Southwestern Oregon Institute of Technology, was not on the list. We didn’t make it last year either, so we’re starting to think that maybe none of your writers are familiar with our dank party scene.
This is the only thing that makes sense, and we understand. We like to think we’re “the best kept secret in the South/southwestern Cascades just north but still south of Roseburg.” Guys, you don’t understand, we party harder than anybody on the face of the fucking planet. “Work Hard, Play Hard”, that’s our motto. Sure, we studied our asses off for the mechanics and dynamics final last month, but afterwards we had a barbecue on the roof of the physics building. On the motha-fuckin roof! How cool is that? And we live in a state where pot is legal, so Professor Edwards totally passed the joint around with us after the test. Can you smoke weed with your teacher at West Virginia? I didn’t think so. We’re just on another level.
Also, we are growing fast. We just added our third fraternity, Sigma Alpha Phi. They’re really cool guys! They play Frisbee out on the lawn and do LAN parties every Thursday. We don’t have a football team, but our eSports line up is on fleek son! We’re hoping to get a sorority soon.
No, but seriously, you guys should come down here and party with us. We’ll get the guys at Triad, our largest fraternity (and my house!) to hook you up with our straight-bitchin’ 2-story, 1100 sq. feet of party space. We could have a sponsored TFM party. Every inch of the house is outfitted with state-of-the-art speakers we got for cheap on Newegg.com, and LED strips that let you instantly change the mood of the party! (There are some benefits to going to a tech school, gentlemen.) We just have to turn down by 2 AM, because we have neighbors and want to be considerate, but we’ll ride this Pain Train straight to the 24hr Dennys afterwards. Trust me, you won’t stop having fun. The waiter there does a hilarious Robin Williams impression.
You’re going to love the women here too. ASU? Not even! Those girls are all fake. We have real ladies at SWOIT: Joseline was the Queen of the Country Faire last year, and she ropes bulls and line dances semi-professionally. Briar is a regional champion swordfighter (so she knows how to handle a hilt, if you know what I mean). And Rosa just lost a lot of weight, so she’s looking fine as hell. Mmmm. I’ll defer to you guys if you want to pick one up though. Gentleman knows how to offer up hospitality.
So send some of your writers down, we’ll give them a night they’ll never forget. Can you bring Steve Holt? He’s like the frattest guy ever. Seriously, we’ll give you $1000 if you can get Steve to come. Brian’s dad owns like three Taco Bells, so he’s good for it.
Someone Who Wants to Set the Record Straight
Vice President of Triad Fraternity, Southwestern Oregon Tech
Anybody want to take them up? Didn’t think so..