This email by “John Doe” truly stands on its own two feet so I’m going to get out of the way and let our emailer take it from here. Enjoy.
Too long dont want to read: Hot chick wants to fuck me. I fuck. I refuse to eat her out. She assaults me and then shoves my toothbrush up her cooter.
Hey Dorn fuck you whatever you know the drill. And let me also say that ive used this vaugue email adress to ensure complete anonimity because i legit dont knowbwhat this bitch is capable of.
So anyway me and this girl were at a pregame and she is a total smokeshow, like really hot (9/10). As we were drinking she was acting like she was into me and i was spittin mad game and got her number. So as everyone left for the bars our groups got split up somehow and at the bar i ran back into her with her on again off again boyfriend. I was bummed but wasnt sweating it too much as it was my boys 21st and we were getting fairly beligerent. The night went as smoothly as youd expect and that is where the story should end.
However it is not. A week later there was a home football game and so we tailgated and everything and then per usual we went to watch our dumpster fire of a football team get butt raped. As i was making my way out at halftime i got a text. “Wat u don” (exact spelling) From that chick I mentioned earlier. I was pumped so i of course i arrainged that i come over. When i got there she had a crazed look in her eye and immediatly led me to her room and removed her pants. What awaited me in her neather region was the last thing i expected. A bush. And not just any bush. Like a never been trimmed or shaved in all of her 20 years bush. I was shocked but i still did my best with the 5 inch thunder frock. After we departed from pound town i thought that was the end of it and i started to get dressed. But then she said “i didnt finish”….ouch. I still wasnt that concerned and my inebriated self simply said “uhhh sorry”. She pulled me back into bed and we reboarded the train to pound town.
Thats when she said “eat me out” and pushed my head down toward the pit of snakes that was her bush. Now i hate eating pussy. If i wanted to like raw fish drenched in sweat i would scrape the floor of a discount sushi resturant and go to town. But add hair to the mix and I begin to panic and just say “i dont know how” thats when she called me a pussy and told me to just lick it. This is when i realized that I was fucked. She pulled me back up to her and started to make out with me and then bit my lip so hard it started to bleed and sucked/bit my neck like a goddamn vampire or something. I was now officially in crisis mode and i needed to get out of this place. She then basically pushed me up against the wall and started fingering herself in front of me.
I seriously had no idea what was going on at this point all i knew is that i was butt naked in a strange place with a lunatic sorority girl flicking her bean before my terrified eyes. While my lips were gushing blood. This went on for what seemed like hours until she fell asleep. Again this is where the story should end.
It is not. As i quietly fumbled for my clothes careful not to wake the crazed sex beast sleeping inches away I was finally fully dressed and i dropped a pin called a pledge and hauled ass out of there. I got home and realized that i left my wallet at that chicks house. FUCK. So she texted me the next day “hey i had fun last night but i have your wallet can i bring it to you?” blah blah blah she brought my wallet over with one of her friends and then went to the bathroom and left. I then learned that she had went to my bathroom and stuck my toothbrush up her hairy ham wallet because she was so pissed i wouldnt eat her out. I used that tooth brush for like a month before her freind snitched on her.
I guess my question is has anyone ever experienced somethimg so insane? Is this run of the mill for crazy bitches. Ask around the office because i think im legit traumatized.
I will add this, though: If you allow your bush to grow wild, you are forfeiting the privilege of the expectation of oral sex. And that goes for guys and girls. If you want someone’s FACE between your legs and their MOUTH on your holiest of holes, you simply have to keep it trim downstairs. Completely bald or a neat landing strip are preferable, obviously, but, at minimum, it needs to have the “yeah I shave but haven’t gotten around to it in a few days” stubble. You know, for the effort.
You have to shave, people. You just do. You have to. You HAVE to..
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