Everyone Hates Hot Chicks

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When guys describe to one another a “cool” chick who is also “hot,” we do it in a very specific way. We start with her body and describe every curve and crevice. The way it moves in the sun. How when she bends at her hips, you can tell she takes a classy dump. Her skin that’s oh so soft it’s like you’re caressing the sexy, future Mendes-Gosling baby. Then we move onto the face. It’s a window to her soul that we hope doesn’t exist when she gives us a blow job. The way it looks at us like it hates us and loves us all at once. That big, Jewy nose just like our mom told us to find (okay, maybe just me). We describe her looks to a huddled group of dudes as if we are poets. We are Aesop, these are our tales. This beer-soaked pile of trash in the middle of this apartment is our campfire. Finally, once we’re done describing her female form that we can only hope to understand, we let out a giant, “And she’s ACTUALLY cool!” in a, “I can’t fucking believe it, either” tone that sounds like we’re convinced that no other cool, hot chicks exist. Thinking about it now, it doesn’t seem that fair. Hot chicks live in a world that’s cunty until proven hangout-able, and they only have their own kind to blame.

This week on the award-winning TFM Podcast (I also won “Handsomest” during my mom’s monthly awards) my guest and I discussed the Texas cheerleader who received Internet outrage for posting pictures of herself with animals she had killed. My point of view is that the outrage only exists because she’s hot. There were headlines that used phrases like “Disgraceful” and “Disgusting” and “I’d Bone” (my diary) and none of it made sense. If there were pictures of an ugly, paraplegic girl holding a shotgun next to dead baby seals, the stories would be completely different. Headlines like, “A Picture That Will Show You Anyone Can Do Anything,” and “Your Heart Will Melt When You See What Happens Next To The Seal Skin,” and “I’d Bone” (my diary). The cheerleader legally hunted some animals. If you hate the laws that allow for this type of picture, that’s one thing. But if you hate the girl for posting the pictures, then that’s your problem with someone else that you’re projecting onto her. Again, cunty until proven innocent.

And that’s the problem every hot girl has to deal with. She’s fighting the battles the shitty, hot girls have started. Every time you see a hot girl, the first thing you think about is the one who stood at the party as she rolled her eyes at every guy. The girl who wouldn’t admit that people treat her even a little differently because of her looks. The girl who turned you down, didn’t notice you, wouldn’t become your friend, or sat in the nice part of the cafeteria. The hot chick bell curve is really fat on the left side of the X axis ranking memories from bad to good, and every hot chick carries that burden. Especially the hot girl standing next to a dead lion during her hunting expedition. It was a trip you can’t afford and no billionaire will ever buy you one, thanks to those A cups.

This week, I was reminded of this when I was introduced to porn actress London Keyes. No matter what your taste, London is factually a “hot chick,” due to her 200K Twitter followers she got, thanks to the male libido that forces me to tell you that I love Snapchat (jtrain56). 200K people want to see her boobs and whack off to them. I don’t say this because I lack respect for her profession. I went to the AVN Awards and I’ll never forget the savvy of successful porn actresses. The podcast I referenced above was titled, “Handjobs Are Speed Bumps On The Road To Awesome-Town,” which is a title I came up with based on one of the emails we received from a high school kid wondering if he should stop getting hand jobs from some chick (we discussed Shakespeare shortly after). I found that the title summed up hand jobs nicely. So did London Keyes–so much so that she tweeted the exact title of the podcast as if it were her own thought. She did not include the link, or even a reference to the person who created the quip. That, my friends, is called plagiarism, something I informed London of. Her response wasn’t remorse or understanding. It was “fuck off.” She even referred to it as “my tweet.”

Every hot chick is powerful. London having 200,000 people who follow her on an application with a primary function of words is a giant example of that. When a powerful, hot chick can’t act human and understand something like plagiarism, it makes every cool, hot chick have to work a little bit harder. We hate hot chicks because they gained power just by virtue of being born, and when it’s abused there’s really nothing we can do to stop it. It’s the reason we think the hot girl got the job instead of us in finance. It’s the reason you don’t see a lot of hot politicians. It’s the reason people probably assumed the hot cheerleader killed the lion after it was stunned into submission as she screamed, “Men who play video games have small dicks.” It’s the reason you see a hot girl across the way at a party and think that there’s no way she can be cool. London Keyes is an example of that abuse of power that makes guys believe a girl takes a classy dump more than her ability to be cool.

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