Everyone is All Bummed That Paul Ryan Never Killed a Stripper or Something

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This website, along with the rest of the internet, has exhaustively covered the fact that Paul Ryan is pretty Goddamn frat. After all, Ryan was a Delt at Miami University, one of the top Greek Life schools in the country. Unfortunately for everyone looking to find a story about the time Paul Ryan did a twelve minute kegstand, got the university president’s daughter pregnant, took a dump on Miami’s rival school mascot, and then killed a stripper with a combination of cocaine and sexual exhaustion (though the autopsy determined it was really dehydration), no such story actually exists.

Paul Ryan is just a guy who pledged a fraternity and had a regular old good time doing it. But dear God do people wish otherwise, and they’re trying really hard to make it seem as if it were. Take, for example, this excerpt from an article on Ryan that described him as “the single frattiest VP candidate in modern American history.” (Ed. Note: TFM)

3. Paul Ryan is in the pocket of Big Keg Stand: The Wisconsin Republican swims in beer money. Since 1998, Ryan has taken in $75,000 from the National Beer Wholesalers Association, a trade group that reps over 3,000 American beer distributors (and has the licensed beverage industry’s largest PAC). In that decade and a half, Ryan co-sponsored five pieces of (again, unsuccessful) legislation to slash taxes for brewers, distilleries, and consumers (national health epidemic and car crash/pedestrian injury/fist-fight/assault rate-spike be damned).

Paul Ryan takes money from the National Beer Wholesalers Association i.e. Paul Ryan once got blackout drunk, burst into a pledge meeting, and shouted “All you little bitches strip down, get outside, and elephant SPRINT, not walk, SPRINT until I say stop. Anyone who cums is DROPPED!”

Apparently it also means that he doesn’t give a shit about the apparent “national health epidemic,” drunk drivers, or domestic abuse. PAUL RYAN IS PRO DRUNK DRIVING! Probably because he was in a fraternity, and because he’s a Republican. If fraternity men were pro drunk driving we wouldn’t have indentured chauffeurs.

Also, never mind that the top three contribution recipients from the National Beer Wholesalers Association were Democrats. HOLY SHIT Google is easy to use. It also might make sense for Paul Ryan to support the beer industry since he’s from Wisconsin, home of the Miller Brewing Company, one of his state’s biggest industries. But yeah, he probably took that money because he’s entertained by bar fights. To be fair though, aren’t we all entertained by bar fights?

This isn’t just coming from Ryan’s detractors though. This site obviously plays up the fact that Ryan was in a fraternity. It’s honestly just as unfortunate for us that no crazy story about Ryan’s fraternity past has come out, you better believe we’d run the shit out of it. Hell, we’d have a writer by writer breakdown. We’d probably reenact it in a video. I’d base a Frat Romance Novel on it, that’s for sure. Our hierarchy of content subjects would be 1) Paul Ryan’s coke fueled group sex with the MU PanHellenic councilwomen (or whatever he “did”), 2) Kate Upton’s tits, 3) everything else.

Ryan’s lack of felonious college antics means that his and Romney’s detractors have one less stone to throw. It’s annoying to see them try to use Paul Ryan’s “frattiness” to derogatorily describe him, but at least they look like idiots when they try to reach as hard as the garbage featured above. So to his Greek supporters it’s bittersweet that Paul Ryan never had a nickname like “The Cervix Hammerer” or a weeklong drinking binge that ended with a dead barnyard animal and a horrifying pledge class secret that everyone vowed to take to their graves. If he did, that’d be awesome, though counterproductive.

If you can’t find a good story, find a real criticism somewhere else. The frat stuff is getting old.

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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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  1. 1
    Mutant

    He seems like he still has the youth to go out and frat like any other rowdy gentleman on this site if not better

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    FratsconsinMilwaukee

    The MotherJones (wtf, is that actually a news source?) article linked in Bacon’s piece actually makes Paul Ryan sound more awesome than anything TFM has put out there. Well worth reading.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 0
    JoshBird22

    Bacon pulled the classic “incorporate Kate Upton’s tits into everything.” Tip of the hat to you, Bacon, and Paul Ryan.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago