Wedding season is approaching, which can only mean one thing: it’s time to rage, whether you received an invitation or not. If you don’t like weddings, there’s something wrong with you. What’s not to love? Free booze, beautiful women, live music and empty promises — it’s like a formal that you don’t have to pay for. Below is a list of guidelines I have acquired through countless weekends of hands-on experience. Follow these guidelines and you’ll thrive this summer.
Phase One: The Preparation
Perhaps the most important phase of the process. You can’t just show up to some venue on a Saturday night in August and wing it. You’re going to have to do some homework first.
• Find a friend who’s not a creep and who’s down for anything. Preferably another guy. A girl could work too if you’re just trying to crash a party and aren’t looking to meet someone to hook up with.
• Find an expensive wedding venue. Places like country clubs, rentable estates, and large hotel ballrooms are a good place to start, as they will have the least amount of security and maximum attendance.
• The venue’s website will usually have all the necessary information to start your research. Find the wedding party that has the venue reserved for the weekend you’re interested in.
• Most weddings will have their own website, like BillandJaneswedding.com or something lame like that. These should contain most of the information you need.
• You need to find out whether or not it’s a religious wedding. Are they Jewish? Buy a yarmulke. Mormon? Abort. Nothing is worse than drinking grape juice while watching two 18-year-olds tie the knot. Unaffiliated? Catholic? Plan accordingly. This is a make or break detail for a wedding.
• Facebook is your friend. After you have the names of the bride and groom, get to know basic info about them to build a reliable backstory. Things like where they grew up and went to school are important. Access their friends list and find relatives who will most likely be at the wedding. Creeper move, I know, but remembering some of those names may come in handy later on.
• Attire: If the preferred dress is not on Facebook or the wedding’s website, call the venue while pretending to be a DJ, caterer, florist, etc. Ask if the wedding is black tie, business or casual (the fancier, the better). You don’t want to be the guy wearing a beer-stained Oxford and some slacks in a room full of tuxedos and gowns. Blending in is key.
• Security: Avoid things like guest lists, rent-a-cops and wristbands. Most high-brow wedding venues aren’t going to avoid using high level security as they try to maintain a welcoming and romantic environment. However, if unavoidable, try to squeeze by or say you left your invitation in your other suit pocket. Whatever you do, don’t make a scene. Getting a lifetime ban from a venue isn’t ideal.
• Pregame, but not too much. One drink is a warm up, two is weak, three isn’t enough and four is just right. This is true in golf, going to court, and especially crashing weddings.
• Have a backup plan. If worst comes to worst and you get kicked out, do some research on another wedding happening that same night that you can just head directly over to. Or just say fuck it and go to the bars.
Phase Two: The Ceremony
You’ve done your homework, bought your yarmulke, and your backstory is rock solid. Now all you have to do is sit through an hour of bullshit and you’re in the clear. With any luck, you might just score a handy in the chapel bathroom.
• “Walk into every room like you’ve been there a thousand times before.” This is true in life and it’s true in wedding crashing. Walk into that building with confidence. Truly believe you are meant to be there. Avoid being stressed or paranoid and you’ll get through it just fine. Once you crash one ceremony, the rest should be a breeze.
• Bring a six ounce flask. This might be a long ceremony, and keeping a nice buzz going throughout might be the only thing that’ll get you through it. Be discrete with the flask, and remember that nothing says classy like slugging a few pulls in the bathroom of a church.
• Get a feel for the crowd. Look around. Do these people look like they can hang? Is it mostly old people? Are there a lot of girls (near) your age? These are all very important details for whether or not you decide to stick around for the reception. If it’s lame, Irish exit — AKA don’t use the giant door at the end of the aisle.
• Sit towards the back. You don’t want to take the spot of someone who is actually supposed to be there. That’s what most people would call a “dick move.”
• Sit with other young people. Youngsters tend to be more approachable and friendly in wedding environments. They’ll probably be drunk, too. Poor Doug, who had to miss golf with his friends to be at his coworker’s daughter’s wedding, isn’t gonna be in the mood to talk about baseball and getting fucked up. Avoid “Dougs” in general.
• Always ask how they know the bride and groom first. Once you know, say you know the other to avoid suspicion.
You: “How do you know Kevin and Stacey?”
Strangers: “We went to school with Stacey”
You: “Nice, we grew up with Kevin.”
This technique should avoid any potential mishaps. If possible, avoid talking about your backstory as much as possible as a general rule.
• Use common sense. Don’t go chatting it up with your partner during the vows and put your phone on silent. Better yet, just put that shit away. Draw as little attention as possible.
• Avoid going on the bus. Some weddings will have a bus to transfer you from the church to the reception, which is risky to take. Just get an Uber unless you’re confident the real patrons won’t give you shit.
Phase 3: The Reception
The moment you’ve been waiting for. The open bar is stocked, the girls are changing into their cocktail dresses, and you’re ready to rock out with your frock out.
• Avoid eating at a table. Most spots at a wedding dinner table are name tagged and north of $80 a head. If you see a spot that nobody has sat in and half the speeches are done, sit there, but don’t eat. Make sure that spot is at a table with other young people, too. Otherwise, you and your partner are better off just staying in the corner of the room near the open bar and ripping gin and tonics till the toasts are done.
• DON’T GIVE A FUCKING TOAST
• Avoid the bride and groom at all costs. They are the only two people there who know each and every person in that room. All it takes is one glance and the bride will ask, “Who are they?” and the groom will respond with “don’t know, never seen them before.” You do NOT want to piss off a bridezilla on her special day. Things will go very south very quickly if she gets wise of what’s going on. But don’t stress too much about it — by that point, the groom will likely be too drunk to notice or give a shit, and the bride will be too busy pretending that the size 1 dress her dad bought her fits “just fine.”
• Order classy drinks like a Maker’s Mark on the rocks or a Pendleton Manhattan. It’s all free, after all.
• Don’t get TOO drunk. The only thing worse than being the drunkest guy at the party is being the drunkest guy at a party you weren’t invited to. This is really where having a partner comes in handy. If your boy is taking advantage of the all-you-can-drink buffet and guests haven’t even gotten their appetizers yet, tell him to pump the breaks. You don’t want him to fuck this over for the both of you.
• Talk to girls. It’s not every day you get to be whoever you want. Tell them you’re a stunt double/cowboy/doctor with a 12″ member. Or that you saved a rare baby puma from a house fire last week. At this point in the night, they’re so horny with marriage FOMO that they’ll believe just about anything you tell them. With minimal luck and effort, you won’t be going home empty handed.
• Smoke a cigar with the groomsmen and the father of the bride. Not much purpose behind this one. It’s just a huge power move.
Things you probably saw in the movie Wedding Crashers that you should NOT attempt:
• I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT GIVE A TOAST.
• Don’t pretend to cry at the ceremony. It’s weird and draws too much attention.
• Don’t dance with the flower girl. Normally it would be considered “cute,” but you are a complete stranger. It’s just creepy and weird. Dance with a woman who doesn’t have to stand on your shoes.
• Don’t go on a weekend getaway at the father of the bride’s estate under your alias. That’s just psychotic.
• Don’t show up to a wedding with a dude who’s a foot shorter than you who has a fucked up nose and blonde hair and then tell everyone he’s your brother. No one’s gonna believe that shit.
• Don’t crash a funeral.
So, there you have it. The be-all, end-all guide to a perfect summer. Remember, kids: Crash responsibly..
Image via YouTube