Fuck You, Draymond Green

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In 2011 I remember sitting in my dorm, the first of my annual “it’s tourney season, I can’t go to class” holidays, as the Michigan State Spartans took the floor. Quickly, I noticed an oddly rotund character that looked more like the middle-aged YMCA antagonist than a D-1 ball player.

This asshole’s mouth never shut, much like the tiny Filipino at the end of a group sex scene — bitching and moaning his way to a technical while showcasing an average array of semi-developed skills like a JV star struggling to keep up on varsity.

I’m of course talking about Draymond Green.

Now a supposed NBA star, but statistically not actually all that good at anything, Draymond is under my skin (and apparently LeBron’s) like a lime disease-ridden tick.

So when Commissioner Silver and the NBA’s disciplinary office levied a one-game suspension for the Warriors Forward, I couldn’t wait to say this, anonymously of course: Fuck you, Draymond Green.

Avoiding the fact that his career averages suggest Zaza Pachulia comparisons, let’s instead focus on the total dearth of class that is the portly Warrior’s persona.

First of all, a discussion of Draymond Green cannot commence without discussion of mangled male genitalia. This guy has voluntarily grabbed more athlete’s dicks than the entire Kardashian family combined.

Aside from his obsession with the testicles of opposing players, Draymond is the perpetual instigator. His unending trash talk, literal and figurative low blows, and marginal ability to actually back up anything he says, make him one of the most unnecessarily pompous athletes in all of professional sports.

Draymond gets outscored by Evan Fournier and rebounds about as well as Rajon Rondo. There is absolutely nothing elite about his game, no matter how many times you repeat “intangibles” and “man defense” with increasing volume.

Aside from smacking dick, the guy is not only perhaps the league’s worst loser, but an absolutely insufferable winner. The 4th wheel in last year’s Finals (Steph, Klay, MVP Iguodala) described the one-man army Cavaliers as “weak,” even drunkenly spouting “they suck, yuuuuup.”

Could you imagine even the most arrogant NBA player (here’s looking at you, Kobe) saying anything like that after a six-game series featuring 87 lead changes and two injured maximum salary players on the same team? Never.

More importantly, when the fuck has a team’s 4th, maaaaaybe 3rd, option ever been so fucking full of himself? Did Tony Kukoc proclaim the Pistons as “weak?” Where are the JR Smith tirades? The Derek Fisher rants? Manu Ginobli boasting? Enes Kanter lambasting the Spurs?

Never happens. Only Draymond.

Now, I know some of you will get your panties in a bunch, throwing shit at a wall hoping the “great individual defender” narrative will stick to the ever-growing “Draymond is elite” chatter. But when was the last time any of us considered Tony Allen, Luol Deng, Avery Bradley, Roy Hibbert, Andrew Bogut, Gerald Wallace, Josh Smith, Anderson Varejao, and Thabo Sefalosha, all of which have made All NBA Defensive teams since 2010, elite?

Didn’t think so. Draymond is an average player on an exceptional team, riding the wave of excellence around him to a place in the history books squarely without his own doing. He is this generation’s Robert Horry, Rick Fox, Steve Kerr (the player), and the list goes on.

Being overconfident in your limited athleticism is a definite TFM, but disrespecting all-time greats while behaving like a general jackass just isn’t. This is the NBA Finals, the pinnacle of the sport of basketball around the world, but not important enough for Green to respect his opponent, his team, the game, and most of all himself.

Go fuck yourself, Draymond. See you in Cleveland (if you can stay eligible) for Game 6.

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