Fuck Your Olympics, Brazil

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The Olympics are less than seven weeks away. Athletes and fans from all across the world will be making their way down to Rio de Janeiro to see one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world. It’s not every day that people in Uzbekistan or Liechtenstein can witness American domination in person or on their TVs (do they have TVs in those places? My guess is no), so this is a big event for a lot of people. Thousands of Americans will flock to Brazil to bear witness to the games, but should those people actually make the trip? If it were up to me, no. Brazil is a beautiful country with beautiful women, but it also has a shit ton of crime and disease.

The first major problem that all those athletes and fans are going to encounter on their trip to Brazil is that they have to travel on one road to get to the Olympic grounds. That road has been nicknamed the “Highway of Terror,” and rightfully so. The highway is jam-packed with cars on a daily basis as well as with gangsters holding shootouts. Seems safe. Take, for example, the latest incident that went down on the “Highway of Terror.”

That right there is a gun equipped with a sight that the Brazilian Army doesn’t even possess. This isn’t the first time that this has happened on this 13-mile expressway that connects the Rio international airport into the city, either. The stretch is lined with favelas that are heavily controlled by armed gangs. So basically somewhere you don’t want to be seen ever. This isn’t the first time that this kinda thing has happened, either. Daily shootouts between gangs has become a norm. A 17-year-old girl is dead after being shot in the head while sitting in the back of a car. A 27-year-old woman survived getting shot in the head in traffic. Multiple kidnappings have happened along the road too.

Are we sure we want to send our athletes and fans to a city that is armed with athlete-killing machines? I’m talking about gangs, of course, not the guns themselves. Gangs don’t care if your Google Maps sent you on a different route because traffic is quicker. You roll up onto their territory and things aren’t going to end well for you. I’m not an expert on gangs, but that’s what I’ve read. We are sending these people into a death trap.

On top of the possibility of death, there is that whole Zika thing going on — in what is possibly the worst time for a widespread disease like Zika to occur. The Olympics are meant for sex. If you’re an athlete and you’re not banging as much strange from different countries as possible throughout your time in the Olympic Village, then you’re either married or underage. Sex isn’t just limited to the athletes, either. Fans are getting all horned up on country pride as well. It’s a proven fact that when a foreign woman lays eyes on an American man, she can’t resist her urges. That’s great and all, but we can’t take the Zika virus and dump it onto our fine American women back home. It’s just too risky. And triple-bagging it only works so well.

This is why the Olympics need to always be held here on our own home turf, or basically anywhere that isn’t riddled with gangs and sex viruses. So I guess if the U.S. does hold the Olympics again soon, Lubbock is out as an option.

Image via Shutterstock

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