Famous Bitches in History: Adolf Hitler

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Gather ‘round children. I’m drunk as piss and it’s time to tell some campfire stories around the keg. Don’t believe any of that liberal bullshit that you learned in school from your communist professors. I’m here to tell you the truth as it is, with no censor other than alcohol. No need to get bogged down by facts and details, that’s what makes history boring as fuck.

Famous Bitches in History: Adolf Hitler

So basically, there was this little knobgobbling bitch named Hitler. He was a sensitive little guy and went to art school to express his stupid feelings. He failed. Miserably. Instead of killing himself early on, like he should have, he turned to militant fascism and world domination. Essentially the natural evolution of a crazed hipster.

Hitler had excellent oratory skills, probably from all the shafts he tongue sculpted for “extra credit” in art school. He convinced the German people of all sorts of crazy bullshit. One of the crazy ass things those morons believed was that there was a superior Aryan race of human beings that is entitled to rule over all others. It’s strange that Hitler was able to convince people of this, because he himself was not a blond haired blue-eyed Aryan. Hitler wasn’t even German. He was Austrian. God people are stupid.

He built up a huge ass army and started acting sketchy. He invaded Poland and quickly zergrushed across Europe. Instead of immediately crushing him, all the other genius countries tried to appease Hitler. They sent him candygrams and flowers, hoping that he would stop being an asshole. He flattered them and said he’d call back… but he never did. He just kept on fucking them over. Italy got wind of the easy pussy and joined forces with Germany. So did Japan, for some stupid reason. Japanese people are just about the farthest thing from being Aryan, but whatever.

Every morning, Hitler had to have his vitamin shots. It’s reported that he barely had the energy to get out of bed in the morning. But after his vitamin shots, he was super charged and ready to conquer the world. His personal doctor later came forward and revealed that his “vitamin shots” were actually methamphetamines, which in retrospect makes a lot of sense. He was also addicted to cocaine, received injections of bulls semen, was a vegetarian, and had what I assume are politely understated sharting issues.

Credit where credit is due, German technology was pretty boss. They completely fucked Europe up with it. Between the Panzer tanks, the Luftwaffe, and the U-boats, Germany was one of the most powerful militaries of its time. France pretty much surrendered immediately. Big surprise. It looked like all of the children in Europe would soon be reciting “Mein Kampf” at bedtime until Hitler made the biggest mistake of his entire career. He declared war on the Soviet Union. The Soviets were total tools, don’t get me wrong. The USSR lost more soldiers than any other nation, but that was probably because they were given brooms to fight with instead of rifles.

However, the Soviet winter is what undid Hitler’s grand plans. Parts of Eastern Europe are so fucking cold that gasoline freezes. The Germans did not anticipate this and their tanks stopped working. In fact Hitler was so fucking stupid sure that his army would quickly beat the Russians that most German units didn’t even have winter clothing when they invaded. Hitler assumed he’d be able to take Moscow and end the war before winter really set in. Never mind the fact that Napoleon took Moscow 130 years prior, and you know who didn’t give a fuck? The Russians. They just kept fighting until their winter reminded him that he was commanding the French. Sending your troops into Russia without FUCKING JACKETS is so hilariously stupid that I can barely figure it out. It’s like going to a Congolese whorehouse without a condom because you think pulling out will keep you AIDS free. But back to the tanks, since the Soviets grew up in that winter wonderland of suck, they had already figured out ways to keep their tanks moving. An army is not an army without tanks. No matter how shitty your enemy is, if they have tanks and you don’t, you are completely fucked. Hitler was now fighting a multi front war, one of which he had absolutely no hope of winning.

Now America, this whole time, had been TFTC. We didn’t give two shits about all those Europussies and their problems. We were just hanging out. America was a whole bunch of Fonzies about WWII up until the day that those dirty Japanese sons of bitches bombed Pearl Harbor. After that Hitler declared war on the U.S. of A., inviting the two kids with the biggest dicks on the block to Eiffel Tower him.

That’s exactly what happened. While the Soviets curb stomped the Wehrmacht in the east America had to go rescue France’s pathetic country from the Nazis. We landed in Normandy and began one of the most awesome goddamn boner inducing military campaigns in American history. As the Axis powers retreated, Allied forces began to discover Nazi death camps all over the place. We realized that Hitler had been systematically killing millions of Jews. His reasoning for killing Jews was based on the “sound logic” of eugenics, totally not the demon meth voices in his head.

As Allied forces closed in on Berlin. Hitler knew that he was screwed. Of all the Allied forces, the Soviets were the closest to taking Berlin. Hitler knew that if the Red Army captured him, they would mercilessly butt fuck him and parade his corpse around Russia as a sex doll. Instead of being publicly sodomized again and again, Hitler chose to kill himself before the Soviets could reach him… like a bitch.

So remember kids, don’t do meth… and if you ever fail out of art school, don’t be a dick and try to take over the world. If you feel so inclined then do us all a favor and off yourself…

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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  1. 6
    Hasselhoss

    I definitely would have liked you to continue this column until we got to the Little Boy and Fat Man. But I guess I am pretty content.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 2
    T3XASMAD3

    Team ragetheory, great fucking column. This could be the beginning of a great series of columns. Frat on fine sir

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 2
    Frat_On 23

    “We landed in Normandy and began one of the most awesome goddamn boner inducing military campaigns in American history.” best line

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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