The following email was sent into Barstool Sports from some middleman that, fortunately for all of us, was able to intercept this piece of gold from Farmhouse member “Chi Bro” at Auburn University:
Great moments are born from great opportunities. That’s what we have here tonight ladies.
Tonight you will decide your alliance. FIJI will be spitting their best game not to win you over but in an attempt to tear down the FH legacy. Tonight you will see the true character of an FH man. Laying everything down to show ΧΩ his true character and love for hooties while FIJI shotguns every liquid in sight.
BUT I have a DREAM! That this night will not be simply decided off irrational decision on alcohol but decisions made from the heart. Oh I have a DREAM! That one day FH and ΧΩ will forever be linked throughout destiny. That one day a FIJI will be judged not by whether he is fratty or has money but by his allegiance with ΧΩ.
It is the man not with a 4.0, on old row, or drives a lifted truck BUT THE MAN THAT IS LOVED AND CLAIMED BY ΧΩ. Hooties, I leave you with this. God so loved the world that he gave his one and only FarmHouse so that ΧΩ may not perish but haveeternal life. -FH 19:05
Hooties, I have been waiting this moment since 12/8/93 and it will not be wasted.
Yours and always Chi Bro,
From what I’m able to gather from this email, along and the quick intro from the Barstool reader who sent it in, the following is true: 1. Chi Omega held a social event. 2. Two fraternities were invited: Farmhouse and Fiji. 3. Farmhouse is a dry fraternity. 4. Fiji drinks, presumably an exorbitant amount. 5. In a preemptive strike in order to soften the blow of how lame the members of FH will undoubtedly come off at the event, Chi Bro explains how awesome they can be, too. And they don’t even need to drink to have fun.
“Hooties, I have been waiting this moment since 12/8/93.”
Goddamn, man. Chi Bro needs the biggest noogie of all time. What a fucking dweeb. Dude’s been waiting for this social event ever since the day he was born just over 19 years ago — an event in which he won’t enjoy alcohol, a dance-floor-grind, or get laid afterward. Looking past the undeniable fact that he’s a liar who can’t remember that long ago, what a pathetic revelation to share with a group of girls who assuredly thrive off the casual college asshole vibe, like 95% of girls that age do. Being this overtly excited, and expressing it, for a simple sorority social is a precursor to a late night Halo tourney at the house.
“FIJI will be spitting their best game not to win you over but in an attempt to tear down the FH legacy.”
Tear down the FH legacy? Like tear it down worse than this email is going to do? They must have dump trucks of dirt on you guys.
“BUT I have a DREAM! That this night will not be simply decided off irrational decision on alcohol but decisions made from the heart. Oh I have a DREAM!”
You are NOT playing the I Have a Dream speech card. And so close to MLK day? Poor form, Chi Bro. Poor form. Desperation is a stinky cologne.
This is like a weird Greek love triangle, except one part of this threesome is stuck in the friend zone and is embarrassingly trying to claw their way out it. It won’t happen, though. It never does. I guess that would mean this isn’t a triangle at all — just a line with two points. And there’s a lonely, sober, nerdy dot next to the line with a likely unhealthy masturbation addiction.
I’m not familiar with this term, so I hope it’s a Chi Omega thing and not Farmhouse lingo that will add another layer to this atrocity.
Dear Chi Bro, start running laps and don’t stop until you graduate.
** On a closing note, why the hell aren’t you guys sending us golden content like this? You have our emails. You have our Twitter handles. The fuck is that about?
[via Barstool Sports]
Image via Farmhouse.org