Farmhouse At Auburn Sends Really Sad Email To ΧΩ Explaining Why They’re Better Than The FIJIs

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The following email was sent into Barstool Sports from some middleman that, fortunately for all of us, was able to intercept this piece of gold from Farmhouse member “Chi Bro” at Auburn University:

Baby Hooties,

Great moments are born from great opportunities. That’s what we have here tonight ladies.

Tonight you will decide your alliance. FIJI will be spitting their best game not to win you over but in an attempt to tear down the FH legacy. Tonight you will see the true character of an FH man. Laying everything down to show ΧΩ his true character and love for hooties while FIJI shotguns every liquid in sight.

BUT I have a DREAM! That this night will not be simply decided off irrational decision on alcohol but decisions made from the heart. Oh I have a DREAM! That one day FH and ΧΩ will forever be linked throughout destiny. That one day a FIJI will be judged not by whether he is fratty or has money but by his allegiance with ΧΩ.

It is the man not with a 4.0, on old row, or drives a lifted truck BUT THE MAN THAT IS LOVED AND CLAIMED BY ΧΩ. Hooties, I leave you with this. God so loved the world that he gave his one and only FarmHouse so that ΧΩ may not perish but haveeternal life. -FH 19:05

Hooties, I have been waiting this moment since 12/8/93 and it will not be wasted.

Yours and always Chi Bro,

Shiiiiiiiit, man.

From what I’m able to gather from this email, along and the quick intro from the Barstool reader who sent it in, the following is true: 1. Chi Omega held a social event. 2. Two fraternities were invited: Farmhouse and Fiji. 3. Farmhouse is a dry fraternity. 4. Fiji drinks, presumably an exorbitant amount. 5. In a preemptive strike in order to soften the blow of how lame the members of FH will undoubtedly come off at the event, Chi Bro explains how awesome they can be, too. And they don’t even need to drink to have fun.

“Hooties, I have been waiting this moment since 12/8/93.”

Goddamn, man. Chi Bro needs the biggest noogie of all time. What a fucking dweeb. Dude’s been waiting for this social event ever since the day he was born just over 19 years ago — an event in which he won’t enjoy alcohol, a dance-floor-grind, or get laid afterward. Looking past the undeniable fact that he’s a liar who can’t remember that long ago, what a pathetic revelation to share with a group of girls who assuredly thrive off the casual college asshole vibe, like 95% of girls that age do. Being this overtly excited, and expressing it, for a simple sorority social is a precursor to a late night Halo tourney at the house.

“FIJI will be spitting their best game not to win you over but in an attempt to tear down the FH legacy.”

Tear down the FH legacy? Like tear it down worse than this email is going to do? They must have dump trucks of dirt on you guys.

“BUT I have a DREAM! That this night will not be simply decided off irrational decision on alcohol but decisions made from the heart. Oh I have a DREAM!”

You are NOT playing the I Have a Dream speech card. And so close to MLK day? Poor form, Chi Bro. Poor form. Desperation is a stinky cologne.

This is like a weird Greek love triangle, except one part of this threesome is stuck in the friend zone and is embarrassingly trying to claw their way out it. It won’t happen, though. It never does. I guess that would mean this isn’t a triangle at all — just a line with two points. And there’s a lonely, sober, nerdy dot next to the line with a likely unhealthy masturbation addiction.

“Baby Hooties,”

I’m not familiar with this term, so I hope it’s a Chi Omega thing and not Farmhouse lingo that will add another layer to this atrocity.

Dear Chi Bro, start running laps and don’t stop until you graduate.

** On a closing note, why the hell aren’t you guys sending us golden content like this? You have our emails. You have our Twitter handles. The fuck is that about?

[via Barstool Sports]

Image via Farmhouse.org

***


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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 58
    southerfratdaddy

    Guys i’m a farmhouse at auburn. We’re seriously not that bad. This guy who did this is a fucking retard. We throw down just as hard as anybody else i promise. I can speak for everybody else in this fraternity that everybody hates this kid’s guts right now, and we’re gonna beat this kid’s ass tonight, and i personally will be involved. He’s a pledge who just got initiated literally a week ago. We are immediately regretting the day he got his bid.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 3
      J Parks

      Biggest thing I took away from this (very well-written) story:
      It’s still cool to say “throw down” in some parts of the country.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 2
      number1threat

      Shut up fuck head. I would love to see you “throw down” with any of the big 5 at Auburn. They day you can keep up with the SAE’s, Sigma Nu’s, KA’s, Beta’s, and Sigma Chi’s you’ll earn some respect. You aren’t gonna do shit to this kid and we all know it

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      BrotherGump

      ^ha and your a fucking dumbass because you can only get the pink is if you drug her ass or get her to drunk to remember fuck you you gentleman wannabee

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      War Damn Frat

      southerfratdaddy, you guys do not throw down as hard as anyone else on Auburn’s campus. I was greek at Auburn and not a once was anyone saying, “Damn those FH’s know how to party”. This column represents everything that y’all are. A bunch of dry nerds. for God’s sake you and your formal dates don’t even sleep in the same beds??? Take several laps while you dry jerk yourself off

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      FratternoonDelight

      “Let’s bitch alot and attempt to defend ourselves on an internet site built specifically to make fun of fuckers taking things too seriously.” Yea, good job Farmhouse.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      themadhatter24

      Farmhouse blows cock. Literally everyone hates them and their non-greek “fraternity”. The only relevant fraternities at Auburn are Sigman Nu FIJI KA and Beta. No other fraternity pulls any sort/kind of pussy

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      HellBentFHgent

      FarmHouse from MSU here. All y’all can say what you want. We may not drink in our house (I’m speaking personally for another FH chapter), but you sure as hell can’t hold a candle to most of our guys when it comes to throwing it down. We don’t drink in our house because it has allowed us to keep up the nicest house on the row, and why not just drink in that huge backyard we have? I’ve seen multiple members of our pledge classes drink SipEps, SAE’s, and Phi Delts under the table, don’t even get me started on some of our actives. And if that is what you are comparing a “great fraternity” to, you are so fucking immature I laugh at you *laughs in an “I’m better than you fashion”*. Anyway, American Letters & Greek Pride bitches.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 38
    number1threat

    Auburn FIJI sucks too. They’re a dry house now, and far from a “rowdy” house. I don’t know what is worse about this situation, the fact that a shitty middle tier fraternity is attempting to romance one of the top tier sorority’s at Auburn or that they are slandering an equally terrible middle tier fraternity

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      Bask

      ^ No… no that twitter account cant be real. No one would every post shit like that… Like they were a mother talking to their retarded 5yr old. #kissmyboobooplease wtf??? no if that’s real FH is either really really christian and or really really sheltered and or really one Smirnoff Ice away from realizing their true sexuality…

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 19
    Airlinepilot

    My dad is an Auburn FIJI.. Not their fault that they have a fuckin rowdy house full of overachievers. Farmhouse, you suck. bad.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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