As you know by now, “Fifty Shades of Grey” has taken over the world and women everywhere are fantasizing about a fictional character named Christian Grey during sex with their husbands and boyfriends. While I refuse to read an entire book that is considered an “erotic romance” novel, I did manage to get my hands on a section that I found oddly entertaining: the sexual contract between the two main characters. Reading this extremely straightforward and demanding contract between “The Submissive” and “The Dominant” led me to think, “How would this contract look if Christian Grey was in a fraternity?” Hold onto your frothy panties, because here’s your answer…
There are several pages tucked into the envelope. I pull them out, my hands shaking with anticipation, and notice they are stained with spilt beer and smudged with dip spit as I begin to read.
Made this day __________ of 2012 (“The Commencement Date”)
MR. CHRISTIAN GREY of 301 University Drive
MISS ANASTASIA STEELE of 206 College Avenue
THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS
1. The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Slammer and the Slampiece.
2. The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Slampiece to get blackout drunk and railed by the Slammer on the regular, with due respect and regard for her alcohol intake, her flexibility, and her tolerance for watching the Slammer power-point at himself in the mirror while doing her from behind.
3. The Slammer and the Slampiece agree and acknowledge that all occurrences under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to nonexistent agreed limits and safety procedures that were set out in this contract before the Slammer deleted them. In all honesty, the Slammer is probably going to tell every single one of his friends that he’s crushing your guts, so if you want to tell your sisters that he kills it in bed that’s cool too.
4. The Slammer shall initiate the slam session, and the Slampiece shall receive said slammage, but it’s totally cool if the Slampiece wants to get on top or whatever, especially if the Slammer is too drunk to switch positions on his own.
5. Any of the following hints dropped by the Slammer should be received as a request for oral sex:
-The Slammer gently but obviously attempting to push the Slampiece down his body
-The Slammer repeatedly sticking his finger in the Slampiece’s mouth
-The Slammer saying, “I want to fuck your mouth.”
COMMENCEMENT AND TERM
6. The Slammer and Slampiece enter into this contract on the Commencement Date fully aware of its nature and undertake to abide by its conditions without exception.
7. This contract shall be effective for a period of three calendar months from the Commencement Date, or until the Slampiece catches the Slammer making out with one of her sorority sisters on the dance floor during Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer.”
8. The Slampiece will make herself available to the Slammer from Thursday through Sunday each week whenever requested by the Slammer (most likely after 2:00am via indecipherable text or slur-filled voicemail). Any request to “watch a movie” or “hang out” should be viewed as an immediate request to visit Pound Town, or, at the very least, Blowjobville.
9. The Slammer reserves the right to dismiss the Slampiece at any time and for any reason. If the Slammer coughs repeatedly during the early morning hours, nudges the Slampiece with his knee while she sleeps, or awkwardly sighs and rolls around in bed, the Slampiece should take a hint and hit the road. It’d be awesome if she made breakfast first though. Thanks babe.
10. Not your sorority house. The Slammer is sick of sneaking in like a Navy SEAL and getting chased by your house mom when your sister Christina rats him out for eating cookies in the kitchen naked after he gets lost trying to find your room.
11. The bathroom at the bar.
12. The backseat of his Tahoe on top of his golf clubs.
No acts involving fire play.
No acts involving bows and toes, wall sits, needles, knives, or automatic guns.
No acts involving pledges, GDIs or members of Greek organizations not recognized by the IFC or Panhellenic Council.
No acts involving condoms.
Self Limits to be discussed and agreed between both parties
Does the Slampiece consent to:
-An immediate switch to doggy style when SportsCenter comes on
Does the Slampiece consent to the use of:
-Beer bongs (to ensure both parties stay shitfaced)
-Car keys (for shotgunning mid-bang)
13. We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signatures below.
The Slammer: Christian “Fucking” Grey
The Slampiece: Anastasia Steele