This is, of course, completely unscientific, and based mostly on what my warped imagination conjured up. Deal with it. If you want something scientific go read about the gravitational waves that were just discovered.
#1 Florida vs. #16 Albany or #16 Mount Saint Mary’s
A massive SEC school with gorgeous women, a giant Greek life scene, and medium at best admittance standards versus either a school based in upstate New York– whose mascot is Marmaduke–or a random school in Maryland that could be wiped off the face of the Earth without anyone noticing? And I mean, quite literally, that a giant hand could come down with an enormous scotchbrite pad and wipe it off the face of the Earth without anyone noticing.
Florida by a mile, despite the fact it’s located in the state of Florida.
#8 Colorado vs. #9 Pittsburgh
I may have to take a few more bong rips than I want to, but the non-dreadlocked women of Boulder who groom their private happy places like normal human beings (instead of neglecting them like the overgrown, trash-littered lawn of a lonely old women who died without being discovered for seven months) are absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention, CU is in the land of Coors. While Pittsburgh is a perfectly nice, American city, it isn’t exactly a place where I ever pictured myself having a whole lot of fun. Plus, I’m pretty sure the women there drink mayonnaise.
Colorado wins. Yes, I hate hippies, but I’ll deal with them by drinking, and that sounds fun.
#5 VCU vs. #12 Stephen F. Austin
Stephen F. Austin University is located in Nacogdoches, Texas. That sounds like the sort of town you only hear about when an escaped convict gets cornered in a Walgreens and starts taking hostages.
I’ll take VCU and Richmond, Va.
#4 UCLA vs. #13 Tulsa
My opinion, after having made many depressing drives through the state, is that Oklahoma is the second least desirable state in the country (behind Kansas). Highway 75 is a trail of brown and rust that looks as if God crab-walked the length of the state while trying–and failing–to hold in bloody diarrhea on his way to the toilet that is Tulsa. Tulsa’s campus is perfectly nice, but the city, and the state in general? Woof.
Give me UCLA, its weather, and its limitless supply of Asian women.
#6 Ohio State vs. #11 Dayton
True story, I visited Dayton when I was checking out colleges my junior year of high school. Because Dayton is private and Catholic, a lot of St. Louis kids end up there. I have heard nothing but fun things about the school from friends and acquaintances, and I liked the campus a lot. The city was a big meh though. Ohio State, meanwhile, is another massive state school that one would think could rage with the best of them. The thing about Ohio State, though, is that you would be partying with Ohio State fans. No, thank you.
#3 Syracuse vs. #14 Western Michigan
Syracuse. If I’m going to freeze my ass off while raging, it might as well be at a school people give a shit about.
#7 New Mexico vs. #10 Stanford
According to a fictional true story called “The Social Network,” the guy who founded Napster likes to do coke at Stanford parties and sleep with Stanford women. What I’m trying to say is, Stanford seems welcoming of creepy, older guys lurking around their parties. That’s the place for me.
#2 Kansas vs. #15 Eastern Kentucky
I’m making this pick for two reasons: 1) to prove I’m not biased, and 2) because Eastern Kentucky just seems that bad.
God damn you for making me pick Kansas, Eastern Kentucky.
Rest of the South Region
Florida over Colorado
UCLA over VCU
Dayton over Syracuse
Stanford over Kansas
Florida over UCLA
Stanford over Dayton
Florida over Stanford
#1 Virginia vs. #16 Coastal Carolina
Charlottesville consistently gets listed among the best college towns in the country. Virginia’s campus is beautiful (and thus, that much more fun of a place to disgrace yourself). The students are both intelligent and fun, and not to mention, UVA has a pretty big Greek life scene. Coastal Carolina sounds like one of those beach school mail scams from the ’90s where a “Saved By The Bell” character would get tricked into sending a $5,000 tuition check.
#8 Memphis vs. #9 George Washington
I’m not sure if Memphis kids even go out on Beale Street, but I could freakin’ live on Beale Street. Barbecue, blues, and endless booze on an open street that is part New Orleans’ Bourbon Street, part Austin’s 6th Street? What’s not to love? Plus, there are little kids who do insane gymnastics on brick laden streets for your drunken viewing pleasure and there are ducks that live on a hotel’s roof and take the elevator to the street! DUCKS TAKING AN ELEVATOR! WHEN THEY HAVE PERFECTLY GOOD WINGS!
Memphis. I’ll take my chances with getting knifed or catching a stray bullet in the face.
#5 Cincinnati vs. #12 Harvard
This is a toughie. Do I want to hang out with people who created their own startup in a dorm, or people who have accidentally created a new strain of gonorrhea, also in a dorm?
Going to go ahead and side with whichever school gives me the least cheesy discharge. So, Harvard.
#4 Michigan State vs. #13 Delaware
Both schools rage pretty damn hard, but I guess the tiebreaker would have to be Gumby’s Pizza, or the fact that Michigan State has never rioted for I’m Schmacked. Do better, Delaware.
Despite the possible presence of trolling infant fondler and TFM contributing writer J. Parks, I’m going with Michigan State.
#6 North Carolina vs. #11 Providence
I’m not even going to bother justifying this. I’m pretty sure even most Providence kids would choose North Carolina.
#3 Iowa State vs. #14 North Carolina Central
Being a community college automatically disqualifies you.
Iowa State by default.
#7 UConn vs. #10 Saint Joseph’s
Fun Fact: Saint Joseph’s hawk mascot can never stop flapping its wings. If you’re in that costume, you have to flap until you take it off–which is probably impossible, because how can you undress and flap? YOU’RE STUCK AS THE HAWK FOREVER. Once, during a legitimate, non-staged mascot fight between the hawk and another school’s mascot, the hawk was punching with one hand and flapping with the other. I want to party with that guy.
Saint Joseph’s and their hawk.
#2 Villanova vs. #15 Milwaukee
I’m going with the Philly school. Cheesesteaks are the most underrated drunk food in the country, if only due to the fact that most people don’t have access to cheesesteaks at 3 a.m.
Rest of East Region
Virginia over Memphis
Michigan State over Harvard
North Carolina over Iowa State
Saint Joseph’s over Villanova
Virginia over Michigan State
North Carolina over Saint Joseph’s
North Carolina over Virginia
#1 Wichita State vs. #16 Cal Poly or #16 Texas Southern
I already picked one school in Kansas and that’s enough. Have you ever been to Wichita? There’s nothing there. Yes, I hate Lawrence, but even that suck pile is better than Wichita. If you have to choose between hell and purgatory, at least hell has interesting characters.
Cal Poly, Texas Southern, Oswald Maximum Security Correctional Facility, whatever. Anything but Wichita State.
#8 Kentucky vs. #9 Kansas State
Manhattan certainly has more personality than Wichita, but Lexington is a fantastic town. The partying that centers around Keeneland alone makes it worthwhile. Really though, I only want to attend the best party in town, and that’s wherever John Calipari takes his 5-star recruits either right before or right after he signs them.
#5 Saint Louis vs. #12 NC State or #12 Xavier
Believe it or not, being a St. Louis native, I actually have partied at SLU and with SLU kids, so this might be one of, like, three picks in this whole bracket that isn’t total bullshit. I’ve had some good times at Humphrey’s and The Library Annex, as well as the now deceased Laclede’s. Xavier is basically Cincinnati’s SLU, and nothing about Cincinnati is better than St. Louis. I’m not going to even bother considering NC State. They don’t deserve to be in this tournament anyway (SMU got boned, and if you lost on your home floor to this year’s incarnation of Missouri, you belong nowhere near the postseason).
Saint Louis–I’ll see you guys on Wash Ave.
#4 Louisville vs. #13 Manhattan
A lot of horrifying but awesome things can happen when you’re raging at a school that employs both Rick Pitino and Bobby Petrino, so I have to go with Louisville and its shamelessly horny Italian coaches. Also, the Kentucky Derby. Otherwise, I’m not keen to party with what I assume are a lot of future Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut managers, based on the fact that Yum! Brands is essentially the school’s corporate sponsor.
This pick could change if their cousin-fucking football recruit ends up going there, but until then, Louisville.
#6 UMass vs. #11 Iowa or #11 Tennessee
UMass seems like it might be a sneaky, fun state school. Flagship state schools whose athletic programs aren’t that great tend to go pretty hard. Tennessee, aside from a few $5 wine enemas, has a good party reputation as well. All of that is nice, but the University of Iowa has been ranking at or near the top of party school lists for the last couple years, and it is home to the legendary Vodka Sam. Iowa might be a middle tier Big Ten basketball school right now, but they’re a top seed in the raging department.
#3 Duke vs. #14 Mercer
Two words: Lacrosse parties.
Two more words: Fuck lists.
#7 Texas vs. #10 Arizona State
What a clash of titans we have here. Take solace: there are no losers in this matchup, just people I feel less likely to get herpes from.
I know way too many Texas kids to pick against UT.
#2 Michigan vs. #15 Wofford
Wofford is actually better off than most of the small private schools in this tournament. They rank as number 13 on The Princeton Review’s Greek life list. Still, Wofford is in Nowhere, S.C., and has an enrollment of less than 2,000 people. Michigan, meanwhile, is freakin’ Michigan. Plus, I bet they drink so much more now that their football team has fallen to painful mediocrity.
Rest of Midwest Region
Kentucky over any random empty void in the black vacuum of space
Saint Louis over Louisville
Iowa over Duke
Texas over Michigan
Kentucky over Saint Louis
Texas over Iowa
Texas over Kentucky
#1 Arizona vs. #16 Weber State
McCoy went to Arizona, so it’s pretty much impossible to pick against the ‘Cats.
#8 Gonzaga vs. #9 Oklahoma State
Maybe it’s just because they’re both out west, but Gonzaga strikes me as the Catholic BYU. The state of Oklahoma may be a nightmarish land of aluminum-sided Indian casinos and watered down beer, but Oklahoma State could out-rage Gonzaga even on its worst day.
#5 Oklahoma vs. #12 North Dakota State
I was about to pick North Dakota State for the upset, because I thought T.J. Oshie went there. Turns out T.J. Oshie went to the University of North Dakota. NO POINTS FOR YOU, ND STATE. Plus, the most alcoholic girl I know was a Delta Gamma at OU. They know how to rage.
#4 San Diego State vs. #13 New Mexico State
I know I made this joke about Coastal Carolina earlier, but I’m pretty confident that San Diego State actually did start out as one of those beach college mail scam schools that a “Saved By The Bell” character sent tuition money to, but then it somehow legitimized itself. Also, they don’t make videos like this about New Mexico State.
#6 Baylor vs. #11 Nebraska
While Waco’s two most important industries are gas stations and truck stop prostitution, the Baylor girls are pretty, sweet, and wife-able. Meanwhile, Larry the Cable Guy once hosted a sold out show in Nebraska’s monstrous Memorial Stadium. Yeah, that’s right, the “third largest city in Nebraska” was once a Larry the Cable Guy show. I’m not going to go there, ever.
Baylor, because also this:
#3 Creighton vs. #14 Louisiana-Lafayette
According to Google Maps, Louisiana-Lafayette is a two hour and seven minute drive from Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Creighton, meanwhile, is in Nebraska. I think we just talked about that.
#7 Oregon vs. #10 BYU
The University of Oregon was the site of this laughably bad “GDI Party” that took place at some cookie cutter college apartment complex, but considering the women and alcohol situation at BYU is only slightly better than an Al Qaeda training camp, this is pretty much a layup. (BASKETBALL TERMS!)
#2 Wisconsin vs. #15 American
Though having a name like “American” is certainly admirable, Wisconsin is right near the very top of the list of schools I want to visit. Any school at which you are constantly under the threat of being thrown up on or impregnated by Patrick Kane is a school that knows how to rage. Wisconsin is a historical, raging powerhouse.
Rest of the West Region
Arizona over Oklahoma State
San Diego State over Oklahoma
Baylor over Louisiana-Lafayette
Wisconsin over Oregon
Arizona over San Diego State
Wisconsin over Baylor
Wisconsin over Arizona
Florida vs. North Carolina
Considering I have a trip planned to Gainesville this fall and I live with two Florida grads, Florida has to get the nod over North Carolina here. The stories I’ve heard of Florida’s raging prowess from older St. Louis friends of mine who knew former Florida basketball star David Lee were ridiculous. I’ve been excited to rage in Gainesville since I was like 12.
Wisconsin vs. Texas
This is essentially what I know versus what I don’t know. I’ve been on Dirty 6th more times than I can count, and have seen two Round Ups. To put it mildly, I love Austin, and UT has been nothing but fun in my experiences. Meanwhile, Wisconsin is a magical place up north I’ve only heard insane stories about and seen crazy pictures and videos of. Though I love living in Austin, Madison seems like an equally beautiful, yet mysterious woman calling out to me in the distance. Obviously, I’m enough of a bastard to run to it.
Florida vs. Wisconsin
After that last analogy I’m not picking against Wisconsin, though I am giddy for Gainesville this fall. Maybe it’s my midwestern bias, but of all the schools on the 2014 NCAA bracket, Wisconsin is the school I want to rage at the most.
Your champion, Wisconsin.