I think I rustled some feathers with the column I wrote last week about dance and ballet being stupid. For a second I thought that the backlash from dancers might have been warranted, but sometimes you’ve gotta take some heat when you’re doing what you love. If that was low-hanging fruit, go ahead and consider me an underpaid migrant worker in an orchard full of sensitive little apples. Anyway, I’m picking on singers today.
I appreciate the fine arts. I really do. But chorus majors are sort of like the extended family that you only see around Thanksgiving: You know they exist, but prefer not to interact with them on a daily basis. Oh, and prolonged contact with them makes you prone to getting blackout drunk and saying things you’ll regret. You see, every now and then one of these people will end up at the university library, belting out the chorus to a song from Grease.
I understand that the library is there so all of us have a safe environment to get work done, but there’s a fundamental rule that all libraries have had forever: Shut the fuck up. You can’t sing loudly in the library. Nobody wants it, nobody appreciates it, and even the kindest people around you will not go farther than to begrudgingly tolerate it.
I know the common argument from chorus majors: “Singing is my area of study, and the library is for studying. Just as you read books and take notes, I sharpen my vocals.” First of all, I want you to stop what you’re doing and apologize to your parents for…basically everything about yourself. Secondly, take into consideration the environment you’re creating for everyone else. By singing “Baby It’s Cold Outside” at the top of your lungs, you’re disrupting everyone and making it impossible for them to concentrate. Having to study for hours is bad enough, and you’ve somehow found a way to make it worse.
I’m not saying your major is dumb. Well, kind of, but not significantly dumber than anyone else’s. I’m a fucking writing major, for God’s sake. My degree will sit there and gather more dust than the basket of free condoms in a dorm for chorus majors. But my writing can only annoy and outrage the people who read it, and I can’t say the same of your enthusiastic Michael Buble covers.
So if you can’t sing to your heart’s content in the library, where are you supposed to go? Glad you asked, because I’ve brainstormed several places where you can practice your art without ruining everyone’s study time:
-On the street. Might as well get used to being out there now.
-Pyongyang, North Korea. It’ll be just like studying abroad.
-In a bathtub. Feel free to make some toast while you’re in there.
-A recording studio. You’re definitely going to make it big!
Just not in the fucking library, please..
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