Fire Inspections Are Unconstitutional

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“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

That, my friends, is the exact wording of the Fourth Amendment of the United States Constitution. Revel in its specificity. As it clearly states: while we live in this great country, no single entity or group shall invade our houses or seize our effects without a warrant and probable cause. So why in the hell are the powers that be in the fraternity system allowing for our Constitutional rights to be violated every semester? Every god damn half a year, our living space and possessions are disrupted and scrutinized in the illegal farce known as a fire inspection.

Everyone that has ever lived in a fraternity house knows the horror of a fire inspection. Preparing for it takes a month, at least: hiding the grill and the house waffle maker, storing the smoke machines for the Halloween rager at an off-campus apartment and convincing the brotherhood not to burn any “incense” until after the inspection is finished. Plus, even if all of those things happen successfully, there will still be an un-grounded extension cord peeking out from a fucking closet that screws the entire thing up, adding another week we all have to suffer without our lava lamps.

The threat of immolation is far from a probable cause to search someone’s property. Of course black lights are a stupid ass idea, but not because they are going to end up setting something on fire. No one on Earth has enough surge protectors to make sure every single one of their devices and electronic items are plugged into a safe outlet; it’s just not fucking possible. Fire inspection is an absolutely impossible standard to adhere too, and I, for one, will no longer tolerate the useless injustice against my fundamental privileges as an American.

It’s time to end fire inspection’s reign of bullshit. Is there any evidence that proves it is an effective method for preventing fires? Everybody just puts the illicit shit back up as soon as it’s over anyway. It’s just an inconvenient violation of our constitutional rights that amounts to a fruitless waste of resources and time. I’m done with the whole process. Why don’t you fuckers go get a warrant and then we’ll talk about you investigating my room for “policy violations?”

This kind of wrong is exactly why the Founding Fathers included the Fourth Amendment in the Bill of Rights. They didn’t stand for this shit, and neither should we. We may be in the middle of the worst election in history, but this is still America, God damn it. So fuck you, property managers — it’s my God-given right as a citizen of the United States of America to stop you from searching my stuff without probable cause, and I’m reasonably sure the wall of marijuana smoke outside my door doesn’t qualify as such.


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