Five Olympic Sports I Would Dominate (If They Existed)

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Every four years a magical thing happens across our fair nation. We cast aside our differences and our local team allegiances to stand behind something far greater than ourselves: the United States’ domination spree in a slew of irrelevant sports that you’ll soon cease giving a shit about again until 2018.

I know all of our America boners are hoisted high on a day like this, but it’s time to face the truth: every single Winter Olympic sport is about as exciting as a fingernail growing contest (besides hockey, relax you pseudo-Canadians).

Figure skating is nothing more than ambiguously gendered people in tights making themselves dizzy. Bobsledding hasn’t been cool since Sanke Coffie, and I’m still not sure what the “Skeleton” is, and whether it involves an actual corpse or not.

Being the patriots we are, we completely look past the dullness that surrounds these sports and watch on in excitement, because America. However, I don’t think we need to lie back and accept the throbbing shlong of Winter Sport mediocrity like we have in the past. It’s time we update the lineup of competitions and give people like you and me a chance to prove our own American superiority. These five sports would not only be much more fun to watch than the biathlon, they’d finally give me a chance to win a gold medal in something other than my fourth grade Easter Egg Hunt.

Ice Luge

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Would you rather hurl yourself down a makeshift mountain at 80 mph, or guzzle down ice cold liquor until you can’t feel feelings? The choice is a no brainer. Sure, the Olympic version is significantly less likely to start a herpes outbreak, but I’ll take my chances. It’s never stopped me before.

Snow Pong

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I’ve only seen snow once in my life (Florida > your state), but going through the photos submitted on this site has let me in on a pretty cool phenomenon. While the children of the world enjoy sledding and snowball fights, the drunken degenerates who read TFM prefer to build makeshift beer pong tables out of snow. Hey, at least you know you won’t have to suffer through the urine-esque taste of lukewarm Natty.

Hot-Tubbing

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I’ll be honest- I haven’t thought this one out all the way, but there has to be a way to properly judge my ability to sit in a hot tub surrounded by beautiful women. Let the peasants run around and play games in the snow, I’ll be scoring a perfect 10 back at the lodge with a cold beer in hand.

Pledge Curling

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I don’t really understand most of the Winter Olympic sports. Curling is one of them. All I know is that women and Canadians are naturally better at it for obvious reasons. Basically, it’s like the opposite of driving a car. Even though I know nothing of the rules, I’m sure that all of our pledge “motivational” skills could easily translate. Hell, by the time Initiation Week rolled around I was sweeping better than a coked up Groundskeeper Willie.

Snow Penis Carving

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While Snow Pong definitely reigns supreme as the go-to snow day activity, everyone loves a good snow penis now and again. Whether we’re dealing with the flat, swept away variety, or even if we’re bringing three-dimensions of ice cold dong into the world, turning this tradition into an Olympic sport is just plain common sense in my book.

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