5. Semi-Professional Magicians/Party Performers
Low key I’m nerdy af when it comes to the magic game. Outside of the hookers and gambling away thousands, the most embarrassing part of my Vegas trips is spending a hundred bucks to see a magic show. I get more hype at one of those shows than your little sister does the first time she sees the Biebs. Totally have respect for their craft, though. Being a professional mindfucker takes a lot of time and effort I would never even consider.
But your everyday local magician that your elementary school brought in for entertainment at the school assembly? Fuck that guy. You know the one that gets pissed when you aren’t as astonished as he thinks you should be at his act? Relax, Greg, your card trick isn’t that impressive. You’re going to have to find another way to woo the PTA moms, big guy. Just a general rule to live by: Don’t ever wear a tux to a job where you are making less than my 12-year-old neighbor does to mow my lawn.
4. Little League Umpires
No research to back this up but I think there are little league umpires whose day job is actually being a little league umpire — or at least they act that way. Most of these dickholes are exceedingly arrogant and I am not sure how. How can you swag out knowing that at any given moment a high school freshman could be doing your same job?
Never in my life have I seen a little league umpire that can admit when he’s wrong. In my experience, most instances would start with a terrible call and end with my dad being asked to watch the remainder of the game from the parking lot. Then blue would mumble something about how he’s not paid enough for this shit.
Either get laid or find a new career because arguing with preteens is not making you any younger, Jerry. Also quit pulling your rules book out every two seconds. You know who doesn’t carry around a rules book? Somebody who already knows the rules.
3. Campus Police Officers/Professional Party Busters
I respect police officers — when they actually deal with danger. But Officer McPartycrasher can piss off. As soon as you tell someone that your distinguished badge is associated with campus safety, you lose all credibility.
Frat houses are like the couch in a giant game of partybusting lava. Your chapter’s home base is the proverbial safe space. Campus police can’t fuck with you. But what happens when it is dry for the weekend and you decide to hop the boarder to another house party? Guaranteed those guys are going to show up in their souped-up Ford Explorers to ruin your chances with Brittany from Alpha Gamma.
Just a suggestion but maybe instead of worrying about how many Busch Lights I’m bonging, you could maybe be searching for those three campus rapes statistically happening this weekend. I don’t know about your school, but at mine, not a party goes un-busted while there are currently 10 unsolved sexual assaults. No expert on the hierarchy of police priorities here but that may be a tad backwards. But campus police are always just “doing our jobs” while “keeping you safe.” Interesting.
2. College Parking Attendants/Satan
The really sad thing is that I pay $400 per year to park on campus. I have the stupid permit. But I still end up paying another $100 in fines because my stupid ass believes these fucking narcs will give me a break.
Little known fact: Being a former hall monitor is a prerequisite for admission as a parking attendant. Actually, “at least three years experience of being a snitch in a professional setting” is the way it is written on the application.
What is so hard about just looking the other way? It’s the middle of winter in Michigan and there’s three feet of snow, so give me a fucking break if I park in the unimaginably closer staff lot to spare myself just an ounce of the misery. Or what about when I clearly am stopping in a building for .5 seconds? Is it really necessary to get me for failing to pay a meter I’m not even gonna use?
True story: The last ticket I got was time stamped 11:57 a.m. but I didn’t exit my car until after 12. That means that this piece of shit was lurking somewhere anticipating my fuckup. That’s beyond lame.
1. The Bouncer At Your Shitty Local Dive Bar
This guy tops the list for eternity. To be fair, usually there are like two cool bouncers but every once in a while you’ll get that third one who is just a full blown chach. He always asks for your ID even though he was the very guy to get you kicked out last week. You know exactly who I am, motherfucker.
This guy likes to split his time equally between hitting on the 17-year-olds he lets in and following me outside to make sure I’m not taking a leak on the side of the building — and occasionally kicking me out for taking a leak on the side of the building. Oh he is most always one of the only 25 to 30-year-olds working on campus but he never actually attended college because it wasn’t for him. He is the grown up version of Randall from the show Recess except for he is slightly more of a loser..
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