Five REALLY BAD Philanthropy Events

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“Every charitable act is a stepping stone towards heaven.”
-Henry Ward Beecher

If somebody were to stop you, right now, and ask you to explain why fraternities are a good thing for society, what would you say? Would you tell them that, through our penchant for drinking, we keep hundreds of thousands of people working, from brewers and distillers to beer-truck drivers and liquor-store owners? Would you tell them that we provide necessary social outlets for students (women) looking to have a good time? Would you tell them that we turn boys into men through “team building exercises” that “strengthen” their “character”, and give them a running start with real world leadership experience?

No. You whip out the trump card: Philanthropy. Greeks everywhere raise millions upon millions of dollars for charities, even though the vast majority of us are broke college kids. How do we do this? How come we can soften the hearts of the masses so they will give money to “Save the Birthdays” or fundraise “For the Kids”?

Because we’re Greeks dammit! We have a certain panache that separates us from other people! We recognize that what we have, free time and youthful energy, are just as valuable as money, and we put those resources into building houses, raising money and awareness for various issues, dancing for the kids, walking to beat cancer, visiting sick kids, playing with animals at shelters, and pestering our parents and grandparents to donate. If my man Beecher is correct, we’re all going to have a marble highway for us to drive our ’67 Chevelles right up to St. Peter at the pearly gates.

However, just as charity can be stepping stones to heaven, good intentions pave the way to hell. If your philanthropy chair ever presents one of these ideas as your chapter’s next philanthropy event, squirt him in the face with a little squirt bottle and tell him “No! Bad philanthropy chair! Back in your kennel!” and then throw kibbles at him for the rest of the night.

1) A Drink-and-Drive-athon

How the Philanthropy chair will pitch it:

“Guys, there’s nothing nobler for a student to do than drive his drunken brothers around…for safety. We need to demonstrate that to the community. So let’s all get violently blackout drunk, to the point where we can barely walk let alone drive. Then we have pledges drive us from bar to bar, where we solicit donations.”

2) Free Amateur Breast Exams in the Student Union

How the Philanthropy chair will pitch it:

“Boobs, guys? We love ‘em. Cancer? It can go suck a dick. Next October we are going to have a stand in the student union and offer free breast exams to hot women walking by. I guarantee you that this will not seem rapey in the slightest.”

3) Booze for the Homeless!

How the Philanthropy chair will pitch it:

“Guys, Lots of people have serious misconceptions about homelessness. Did you guys know that most people who experience homelessness are regular people who caught some bad breaks? If I were to become homeless right now, I would feel pretty shitty. So our next philanthropy event will be a trip to the homeless shelter where we all bring a bottle of liquor and party like it’s 1934.”

4) Erotic Book Drive

How the Philanthropy chair will pitch it:

“Guys, I know many of us don’t really visit the library, but I went there the other day, and do you know what I found to be one of the most disappointing things about our school library? A stark lack of an erotic fiction section. I propose that we hold a erotic book drive for the library. It will not only serve to make our library more complete, but it will also give students a chance to get rid of the erotic books that they don’t need anymore! Win-Win if you ask me.”

5.) A “Bake” Sale

How the Philanthropy Chair will pitch it:

“Guys, **cough** if there is one recent trend that I can hop on board with, it is the green movement. **cough, cough** However, this event will be two-fold: we are going to bake marijuana into the brownies and cookies to **cough** advocate the decriminalization of weed while also **cough, cough** raising money to help the school replace all of their regular lightbulbs with more energy efficient and longer-lasting fluorescent bulbs!”

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