Five Reasons To Be Happy Winter Is Almost Over

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Yes, all of them

Like our good friend the groundhog told us, the cold hearted bitch known as winter will soon be leaving us and her milder, albeit hotter, sister will be coming into town for a while. If you’re like me, you hate winter. Sure, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and the Super Bowl are always fun, but damn does the cold suck. People are getting sick and girls are covering their bodies more and more (except for you “morally casual” ladies). There is nothing I look forward to more than the arrival of spring each year and here are five reasons you should, too:

5. Baseball

Sure, a lot of people say baseball isn’t that fun to watch. I like to call those people communists. Even though it may not be the American pastime that it once was, Major League Baseball is still great. If you’re fortunate enough to live near a stadium then you know how awesome going to a baseball game with your brothers can be. Drinking is always encouraged. Hell, you could even argue that baseball can’t be enjoyed without a heavy buzz. The great thing about baseball is the fact that nobody at baseball games seems to give a shit what you do. Maybe it’s the declining fan base, but it seems that as long as you aren’t pissing in the stands while on the jumbotron, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want.

4. Horse Racing

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I am some kind of horse racing enthusiast. I’ve actually only seen one horse during my college career. Be it Carolina Cup, Foxfield, the Preakness, or the Kentucky Derby, horse racing truly is the fraternity man’s spectator sport. It’s like NASCAR for the successful. Like baseball, drinking is heavily encouraged at horse races. That’s actually the only reason why I’ve ever gone. Something about drinking enough to kill a horse while wearing a seersucker suit has always appealed to me and thousands of like-minded individuals for years.

3. Girls Wearing Less Clothing

This one seems obvious and that’s because it is. As the weather gets warmer, girls start showing more skin. In the cold, icy months of winter, chicks bundle up in sweaters, coats, and maybe even a vest or two. While this keeps them warm, it makes our life a little bit harder. You see, when a girl is bulked up with clothing, it’s pretty difficult to tell if she’s actually fat or just trying to stay warm. In spring, you don’t need to worry about that. Attractive girls will be dressing in ever more revealing clothing as the days get warmer. Sure, unattractive girls might start doing it too, but there’s a price on everything in life. Get ready for a few glorious months of sitting on the quad or lawn of the fratcastle wearing your mirroreds and eye-fucking everything nature has to offer you.

2. Formal

It goes without saying that Formal is incredibly fun. What’s better than raging with your best friends? Raging with them while wearing tuxedos, drinking top-shelf liquor, in the company of beautiful dates, and in a location worthy of a State Dinner sure as shit is. I’ve never heard a bad Formal story. From the typical “having sex in the elevator” and “doing lines with hotel security on the roof” stories to the more unusual “ditching my date for a New Orleans stripper,” everyone always seems to do unusually stupid, yet amazing, things. To make it better, you’re doing those things dressed like you should be at a Debutante Ball.

1. Spring Break

The name says it all on this one. This is the mother of it all. Often one of the defining moments in a man’s life, Spring Break is truly the best week you’ll never remember. Tens of thousands of college students congregate along the Gulf Coast for a blissful week of drunken debauchery and bad decisions. The nice thing about Spring Break is that getting there is half the fun. Roadtrips probably suck for normal people — I wouldn’t know. Fraternity roadtrips are one of the most amazing things I’ve ever been lucky enough to participate in. Driving twelve hours with a keggerator in the back, a vaporizer (if that’s what you’re into), and not a single calorie’s worth of healthy food can’t be beat. It only gets better once you arrive at your destination. The best thing about Spring Break is the fact that everyone there has the same objectives: get as drunk as possible, have as much random sex as possible, and to never have to be held accountable for anything that happens. Just like Vegas, what happens at Spring Break stays at Spring Break. Except herpes. That shit is forever.

Regardless of what you plan on doing, rejoice that spring is almost here. Every culture seems to have its own rituals celebrating the onset of the warmer weather, and we Greeks are no different. Our rituals seem to involve a lot more drinking, though, and much less sacrificing goats to the moon gods. So get ready, it’s almost time for girls in sundresses, mint juleps, and the ability to pass out outside without getting hypothermia. Break out your nuthuggers because spring is just around the corner.


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    • -3
      DipSpit_ShootinShit

      Ah right I forgot all golf courses close in the winter…call fedex they can ship your golf bag if you’re too cheap to pay for that extra baggage cost. Now before you come back with “I fly in my own private jet” witty kind of comment think wisely, if that was the case would you really need to ask why golf was not on this “reasons to be happy winters over” column?

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  1. 16
    FratomicBomb798

    I was about to unleash a flury of obscenities because this isn’t a Fail Friday column but then I remembered it was Thursday. FUCK!……….PIKE

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 14
    VineyardVine

    The Masters should have been on this list… at least an honorable mention. Augusta, the epitome of successful men and good ol’ boys.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      FratomicBomb798

      This one time, I butt chugged a keg of Wild Turkey and snorted coke off of a hooker’s slightly hairy nipples, and then I fucked her and cut off both of my legs before running in the Olympics and then returning to kill her. And then I hid out in the woods and these cops tried to catch me but I blew myself up.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      FratProphet93

      Was #cavesplunking in #bangladesh for an exotic #undergroundporno with some #bangladeshianslut #saudiarabiantho #frenchtoo #shi’itetho #italiantoo #bangladeshiantho. It was #raunchyasfuck #pussywasratchetasfuck sagged like a #wizardssleeve #tightasaticktho #loosetoo #virgintho. Got paid #1.5billion for a #video of sex with that’s more than the #networth of #allofBangladesh #worthitasfucktho #pocketchange. Anyways…. when I got back to the surface I realized a #familyofendangeredbats had mistaken my #massive22inchcock for a #stalactite #fuckinghumungous. So I did the #humane #moral #right thing and #clippedalloftheirwingsoff #funnyasfuck #ultimateprankster. Shouldn’t have tried to nest on on me #completelytheirfault #hospitableasfucktho #closemindedtho #opentoo.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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