Florida Kid Survives Spear Induced Lobotomy

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For all you commenters and “writers” out there quick to proclaim that we are witnessing a “pussification of America,” I see your bet, and raise you two gigantic, intrepid American testicles.

From NYDailyNews.com:

A Florida teen is undergoing a miraculous recovery after he was accidentally shot in the head with a spear gun.

Yasser Lopez, 16, was on a fishing trip with friends June 7 when the spear gun they had brought along accidentally went off, shooting the 3-foot-spear through the teen’s skull.

Upon Lopez arriving at the hospital, the medical staff had to use cutting equipment that they borrowed from the Miami-Dade Fire Department, so as to shorten the massive fucking metal rod sticking out of his brain, in order to fit the unconscious teen inside of the CT scan machine. Much to the doctors’ dismay, Lopez was ultimately unable to have the screening performed, because, despite having the 3-foot spear trimmed down to a more trendy-looking 18-inch model, the medical team was incapable of fitting his Jupiter-sized scrotum spuds into the apparatus.

However, in the face of this setback, Lopez’s gargantuan case of testicular elephantiasis would at the end of the day save his life, as he eventually regained consciousness, and began his road towards recovery.

“The amazing thing is that the boy is able to speak a little now,” said Dr. Ross Bullock, the neurosurgeon caring for Lopez. “He’s saying short sentences, he’s out of bed, he’s able to make his needs felt.”

It is being reported that, upon regaining consciousness, Lopez’s first words were “That’s a clown spear gun, bro.”

While it is expected that Lopez makes a close-to-full recovery, the teen will remain in rehab at the hospital for several months. Fortunately for the lad, he will have a celebrity floormate to help keep him company: Ronald Poppa, aka the homeless dude who got his face bitten off by the Miami Zombie (Seriously, people, that’s his floormate. You can’t make this shit up). The two will reportedly undergo rehabilitation in the mornings, and spend their evenings writing the opening lyrics for their new sitcom’s theme song.

One had a spear go through his head,
One got mauled by the Living Dead!
Look at that, they’re wacky as can be!
It’s ‘I Shoulda Been Killed In Miami’!”

We here, of course, seriously hope all the best for all parties involved, especially Mr. Lopez. TFM was unable to reach the shooter of the spear gun, but sources close to the families state that the former Vice President could not feel any worse about the entire ordeal.

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  1. TheFertileTurtle

    I thought the kid shot himself in the face with the spear-gun?

    Where the hell did a 16 year old kid get a spear gun to play with anyways?

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago