Someone needs to give Gregory Matthew Bruni a bid right now. As a matter of fact, after his antics earlier this week, give the man whatever the hell he wants, because this dude just became an instant legend.
Around 7 p.m. on Monday evening, Tony and LaDonna Land were in their bedroom watching TV when they heard a suspicious noise coming from the roof of their house. Tony Land went outside to investigate when he saw a strange man standing on his roof completely naked. That man was Gregory Matthew Bruni, an unemployed carnival worker from Venice, Florida.
Bruni immediately jumped off the roof and landed on top of Tony Land, knocking him to the ground. He then ran inside the Lands’ home, pulled a 72-inch TV off the wall, and smashed it on the living room floor before turning his attention to the family vacuum cleaner. He quickly disassembled the vacuum cleaner and began power-drinking the inner-contents of the machine, spilling all over himself and the living room floor.
At this point, LaDonna Land had seen enough. She grabbed her .38 caliber revolver and fired three shots at Bruni, missing on all three attempts. Mrs. Land would be well advised to keep a few hand grenades under her pillow in case something like this ever happens again, because her aim is dogshit.
After dodging the gunfire, Bruni did what any rational person would do after being fired upon in a stranger’s home: he dropped to the ground and began pumping his rod before heading into their teenage son’s bedroom to rub some of his clothing on his face. Shocking, right? I mean, who would’ve guessed that smothering yourself with a strange boy’s Aeropostale v-neck to achieve climax was frowned upon in Florida.
When the police arrived, they tried to restrain Bruni but he was flailing around uncontrollably and blathering incoherently, so they were forced to Tase him. He was then taken to a nearby hospital where the doctors were unable to determine exactly “what he was on.” It doesn’t sound like they should have taken him to a doctor; it sounds like they should have taken him to an exorcist.
Oh yeah, there is one other minor detail that I forgot to mention. Officers later discovered that Bruni had defecated throughout the hallways and near the front door of the house. Bruni is facing a multitude of charges from his night of noxious offenses, including criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary and resisting arrest without violence.
Keep in mind that all of this occurred on a Monday night. I don’t know about you, but on Monday night, I was at home drunk on wine, trying to tug to BBW videos. Meanwhile, this guy was running through a stranger’s home with a throbbing erection and half-a-log hanging out, dodging bullets, vandalizing property, guzzling vacuum cleaner refuse, and freckling the hallways with his excrement. Carpe diem, good sir.
[via Huffington Post]
Image via Huffington Post