Florida Professor Sends Out Email To Class RIPPING Students For Getting Too Drunk At Tailgates

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Nice Move

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It’s always a few (tens of thousands of) people who ruin the good time for everyone. That’s the view of one University of Florida professor, anyway. An educator who is sick and tired of seeing his students spending their Saturdays guzzling alcohol, making loud noises, puking, peeing, fighting, and presumably having some pretty fantastic “walk around to the other side of the truck and act like this is a legitimate privacy solution with no regard for the fact that there are people literally everywhere” sex.

According the helpful tipster who sent us the email, the professor’s pleas for a sober, civil game day were basically out of nowhere.

The first half of the email was a friendly reminder to the class about the upcoming quiz. Very tame, informative, and professor-like.

Even the second half of the professor’s email started out well enough, really.

Lastly, another home football game is coming up. As I explained in the Welcome lecture, I look at this as the opportunity to form some deep bonds with your buddies, get excited over what looks to be a promising season, and feel good about our UF experience.

College is a magical time, isn’t it?

(Emphasis all his)

IT SHOULDN’T MEAN AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET DRUNK AND SHOW THE WORLD HOW DISGUSTING YOU CAN BE.

OH FUCK JESUS CHRIST I’M SORRY!

Things really took a turn there. Here we all were appreciating the special time in life that is college and all of the sudden this guy’s throwing raging shade reserved for a hobo you find taking a dump on your front porch. Are things really that bad at Gator tailgates?

I stopped taking my son to games after seeing drunk students (and alumni) being escorted off by police officers.

You’re raising a nerd. Here’s a short list of places I’m taking all of my sons as soon as some nice lady makes the mistake of procreating with me.

1. A cathouse
2. The Grand Canyon
3. An SEC tailgate

And that boy will become a man. A terrible, awesome man.

WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO SPOIL THE EXPERIENCE FOR OTHERS? ARE YOU SO IMMATURE THAT A POLICE OFFICER HAS TO PUT YOU IN JAIL?

Listen, pal. Drunk people aren’t spoiling the experience, drunk people are the experience. When people talk about electric game day atmospheres, they’re basically talking about which crowds get the most lit and go fucking bananas for their team. You want a wholesome game day? Teach at BYU. A sober Swamp sounds as depressing as an actual swamp.

DOES BEING IN COLLEGE MEAN YOU CAN DRIVE DRUNK AND KILL PEOPLE WITH YOUR CAR?

Annnnd now they’re all murderers.

Are you sure these are the students and not the human garbage that crawled out of the Everglades, put on some jorts, and started pounding Busch heavy at 6AM?

I just ran into a former student and UF graduate. He’s doing very well in his career. Yes, he did attend football games but he was always in control.

I like how the professor has to clarify that this alumnus was always in control, as if the students he was emailing were going argue back, “Well that guy was chugging whiskey and getting sloppy Port-a-Potty blow jobs and he turned out fine!” because it’s apparently normally safe to assume that as a UF student you were pretty much automatically going to be blackout drunk and waving your penis at innocent passersby without a care in the world every Saturday.

UF can grant you the world and you’ll probably make triple the money I make. But I’ll be damned the day I see you puking in public, urinating on yourself, assaulting each other, and unspeakable behavior simply because you believe a home game means five shots and five beers is somehow acceptable.

Five shots and five beers? You wish those Florida kids were only drinking five shots and five beers, pal.

The picture this guy paints makes me REALLY want to catch a game in Gainesville, by the way. It sounds like a wasteland of good times.

Years ago, we had a Don’t Be a Sloppy Gator campaign. Have a good time but remember, we will always measure you by your restraint, not by how much liquor you can consume.

Don’t Be A Sloppy Gator sounds like it belongs on the island of misfit mascots from “South Park” with the Sexual Harassment Panda.

I agree with this professor, though. Stop drinking so much, you troublesome Florida kids. Stay totally sober on game days. Especially when Missouri comes to town. Thanks.

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