For the Struggling Frat Guy
As much as we love our Sperry-sporting fratstars, let’s face it…some of you gents just can’t get it right. We all know bullshit sites like “bro-tips” aren’t helping anyone get laid, so here are a few hints to help you give out more of your old frocket t’s.
1. Clinging– Know how to hold your distance. Girls like to feel like you’re fighting for them, while also making us work for something. Keep it together, pansy. It is great to do the sweet things, but if you want to hold a lady’s interest you can’t put all of your cards on the table too early in the game.
2. Criticizing- I don’t care if you are the most cynical guy there is. When I come to you complaining about something completely ridiculous, I’m just looking for a little support. Don’t give me your opinion when I am upset, unless you are condoning my pity party, while simultaneously telling me how skinny I look.
3. Obsessing over your ex- I’m better, get over it…or go head back down that road. I don’t want to hear her name or even see a need for that “talk” in all actuality. Girls, if you hear a guy’s ex-girlfriend’s name before you’re even in a relationship, run.
4. Bullying- As attractive as your cocky side is, it’s really only meant to make me believe that you possess more athletic ability than the Manning’s combined. I can insult GDIs all night long, but the second I see you talking badly about someone that clearly doesn’t deserve it, you’re out of my little black book (or contact list.)
5. Engrossing yourself in your own body image- That’s my job. Go to the gym, don’t talk about it. Don’t let me catch you checking yourself out in a mirror, and don’t you ever make the mistake of taking that shirtless mirror picture, unless of course you’re trying to be the next contestant on “To Catch a Predator.”
6. Don’t tell me you hate Country music. No, I don’t really care if you hate those twanging catchy songs you hear on the radio. If you can’t rock out to “Wagon Wheel,” you’re just about as lame as that techno music you circle jerk to.
7. Don’t tell lies- Honestly, we can tell. It’s easy to know when a guy is lying, just because you’re so simple. So when a guy gets complicated with his stories, he’s lying and inevitably only hurting himself. Move on; let him lie to the 4 other girls he is striking out with.
8. Don’t ask for permission for a first kiss. Dear lord, I hate that nonsene. Things are great and then whoa, I’ve got a pushover on my hands. No, you can’t kiss me, pussy. Goodbye.
9. Complaining– Please stop whining. I just can’t get over how many guys want to start fights and bitch about the smallest things. It’s about the most annoying thing there is to me. Sorry. Join a club or something. The only time complaining will be sexy is when you’re describing a long day at the office that is funding my shopping habits, my lavish kitchen, and my large mom SUV.
10.Tough Guy- Don’t be so hard all of the time. I don’t care how much you paid for your Brooks Brothers button-down…It doesn’t mean that you’re a badass. It’s okay if you want to stay in and watch a movie with us. Don’t you fret; we won’t tell your testosterone.
So boys, I hope this helps. But if you chose to ignore my advice, feel free to enjoy the hand that’s been so good to you all these years. You’ve been warned.