Once upon a time, like April of last semester, there was a better-than-average looking college dude named Brody. Brody lived in a big house called “The Village” with a bunch of other guys. The Village seemed sort of nice on the outside but was a real provincial outhouse on the inside. All the other guys were at the point where they accepted that their lives were what they were. They lived in filth and squalor, always banging the same middle-5 chicks that would come around on Pint Day and Thirsty Thursday.
But Brody wanted more.
One time when he was smoking weed on the roof with his friends Morris and Phil, and Brody was like, “I don’t know, man. I feel like there are, like, hotter girls out there…in the great wide somewhere…”
“Dude, why don’t you just get with Cassie Gaston?” asked Morris. “She’s a sure thing.”
While it’s true that Gasty was the best looking girl that came around The Village, there was something about her that turned Brody off. Maybe it was the loudness; maybe it was the narcissism. But probably it was the fact that she spent six hours a day at the campus gym and could easily lift Brody over her head. Brody was convinced that Gasty’s steel thighs would break his dick in half if he ever tried to go down that particular rabbit hole.
“No, man. I’m good.”
“Plus she really wants to get married,” Phil pointed out. “Steer clear, bro.”
But little did Brody know that his life was about to change forever.
One night, Morris went out to the bars in town. He blacked out, got lost, and ended up in a totally unfamiliar club he’d never been to before. He couldn’t remember, but he thought it was called “The Castle.” Suddenly, Morris saw a hideous beast.
She was surrounded by a huge group of girls dressed in the finest neon tights and skimpy club shorts. She was obviously loaded-as-hell, wearing a dark blue Burberry track suit and Yeezy Boost 350 V2s. Only somebody rich, horrible, or French could ever find that style appealing. Turns out this girl was all three. She was also unshaven, and covered with body hair.
“Gross,” whispered Morris. “I gotta Snap this to Brody.”
Unfortunately, the Beast heard him and pounced with the ferocity of a wild creature.
The next thing Morris knew, he was being held captive in the Beast’s penthouse, a swanky loft on the top of one of those luxury college housing buildings that charge more for a studio than tuition at Stanford. It was probably once pretty nice but had been absolutely trashed by the Beast and her servants’ constant partying.
Morris sent another Snap to Brody.
“Dude I don’t know WTF I am. Come get me bro!”
So Brody and Phil went out to go find Morris. They found their way to the Beast’s penthouse and were buzzed up.
A girl in gold tights and a sports bra decked out with LEDs met the elevator.
“It’s good you showed up. You need to get your friend out of here. The Beast was cursed by an evil enchantress—”
“She wasn’t enchanted moron,” cut in a different girl, who was wearing a giant Flava Flav clock. “She just read that Teen Vogue article that made her go vegan and stop shaving.”
There was a loud roar and the Beast appeared at the top of the stairs. She tossed a mostly full bottle of Patron Añejo 7 Años against a giant oil panting of herself back when she was hairless and beautiful.
She grabbed Morris and was about to drag him back to her bedroom when she spotted Brody.
“You. Good looking boy,” she growled. “Your friend can go, but only if you stay…my prisoner…forever!”
“Sure, but like, I have to go to Stats on Monday.”
“YOU’RE SKIPPING STATS!”
Morris and Phil took off as fast as they could.
“We’ll come back for you, man!” Morris called back. “We’ll tell The Village about the Beast!”
“Good luck. They’re not going to fucking believe you.”
They didn’t believe them.
“Crazy Morris!” said Gasty, over the roar of the basement. “Always yelling about this Beast or that Beast. Where’s Brody? Is he cheating on me?!”
“You guys aren’t even dating,” Phil pointed out.
“The fuck we aren’t!” Gasty screamed. “Ima find that little shit and get him on the G-Train!”
She gathered all the Middle-5s in the basement and tore out of The Village in an enraged mob.
Meanwhile, back at the Beast’s penthouse, Brody was making the best of a shitty situation.
“So like, do you have Netflix or anything in here?”
“I’ve got every channel,” growled the Beast. “And every streaming service.”
“Ha ha not every service, though. That would cost like $1,000 a month.”
The Beast showed him to a built-in cinema room with a 90″ 4K OLED TV.
“This is my library. It’s yours if you want it.”
Brody was amazed. Sure, she was hideous, but if the Beast was going to hook him up with HBO Go, maybe Brody could get used to this.
“Hey, can I ask you a question? Why don’t you shave or eat meat?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But like, why? You’ve obviously got everything going for you. And you used to be pretty hot,” Brody persisted. “Why do you want to push everybody away?”
The Beast grunted.
“My last boyfriend told me that nobody would ever love me. So that’s why I made myself so hideous, to find someone who could love me in spite of being disgusting. If you don’t love me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
Brody thought about this for a second.
“I mean, you’re so rich. I would probably just learn to deal with it.”
The Beast looked at him with quivering eyes. Nobody had ever said anything that nice to her before.
It was true love.
Just then, Gasty and her mob of Averages broke into the Beast’s foyer. The Beast’s colorful servants immediately fought back, beating them off with elaborate rococo furniture and candlesticks.
“Sacre Bleu! Building security here is a fucking joke!” the Beast groaned.
“Where’s my man?!” demanded Gaston.
“He loves me now! Get out of my damn penthouse!” the Beast roared back.
But Gasty, along with practicing obsessive physical fitness and being the star forward on the field hockey team, was also really into hunting. She pulled a crossbow on the Beast and shot her right in the shoulder.
“Owww! Fuck! You shot me!”
“Swish swish, bish,” said Gaston.
Because the Beast was in the nice part of town, the cops showed up right away. Gaston went to jail on charges of assault and attempted murder.
As Brody cradled the injured Beast on their way to the hospital, something magical happened.
After removing the arrow, the ER shaved and bathed her, revealing a beautiful 9+ with flawless skin fit for her privileged breeding from European aristocracy and supermodels. In gratitude for saving their daughter, the Beast’s parents paid Brody’s student loans, set him up with a sweet trust fund, and welcomed him to the family.
Brody eventually married the Beast, whose name was Chantelle. He lived happily ever after, and the Beast never wore a tracksuit or Yeezys ever again..