If there’s one thing I’ve learned working for this site over the last two years, it’s that fraternities are their own worst enemies. When we get stories of chapters getting kicked off campus, it’s usually because at least one brother broke out an iPhone and recorded pledges bobbing for apples in a puke filled trough or took a Snapchat selfie in his white ritual robe that got into the hands of an African American student group with zero context. We’re just incriminating ourselves and creating false narratives for absolutely no reason, and, once the media takes the footage and runs away with their own rhetoric, you might as well start packing up your things.
So if you see one of your brothers acting like Alfred Hitchcock-sucker during anything that could possibly be taken the wrong way by outsiders, pull a Justin Bieber.
Apparently, when it comes to beer bongs, the Biebs is “clearly a novice,” fellow club-goer Robert Earl Morgan told TMZ. When Bieber took his turn at chugging, Morgan caught the messy moment on his cellphone, barely missing the blast of beer shooting from the bong hose and onto Bieber’s face and clothes with frothy abandon.
When Bieber saw Morgan filming the beer disaster, he allegedly smashed Morgan’s phone to pieces. Now, Morgan is suing the Biebs for upward of $100,000, TMZ reports.
100 Gs for Biebs ain’t no thing. Sure, the story itself is bad enough, but that footage of him getting bukakied by a beer bong would be infinitely worse — not to mention, all over the internet. We’re a visual-driven society. Gronk spiking that phone was his only option. Granted, when you have Bieber money, you should have “a guy” to smash recording devices around the clock. Kind of a poor person move to do your own dirty work, Justin.
I suggest fraternities start electing a brother to the “demolition chair” position. His sole job would be to keep his head on a swivel and rip cellies in half like it’s a Gustavo Fring burner phone.
“Sorry you didn’t back up all those nudes, chief, but you’re not taking down this chapter with a shaky, vertically-recorded snap. Not on my watch.”
Suspensions and charters pulled would be cut in half..
Image via Instagram
Check out today’s episode of the Inside TFM Podcast. Special guest, comedian Steven Crowder, tells us about his terrifying showdown with Trigglypuff at UMass, and we answer more of your deranged, drunken questions via phone and email. Listen below: