Image via Bradley Martyn
Welcome to the show, cupcake. You’re not at the Champion sweatpants expo and droopy ball sack retirement home known as your local YMCA anymore. This is the big leagues. The social microcosm of the campus elite. You step foot inside the sacred walls of the Rec and Wellness Center and you’re staking your claim for the iron throne. There’s no time for a learning curve. It’s kill or be killed. Everyone in the building is immediately passing judgement the second you hit the weight floor despite no one actually looking in your general direction.
Going to the gym in college isn’t about bettering yourself, it’s about temporarily silencing your crippling insecurities by being better than everyone else. Constantly comparing where you stack up with others with the delusional self portrait you paint.
It’s a rigid, never-changing routine that’ll be roughly a third of your life and the majority of your identity. A Moses-wandering-the-desert type journey that really has no destination in sight. Just when you think you’ve reached the promise land, God pisses all over your face with body dysmorphia and you’ve still got another forty fucking years of doing the same shit before ultimately dying and never reaching nirvana.
Let me introduce you to the dancing partner you’ll have for the next four years and most likely the rest of your life, the ultimate gym routine for fraternity guys by fraternity guys that will have you feeling like a legend in your own mind or your money back.
Before the gym
Look good, feel more good, lift most good.
An easy way to assert dominance before tossing around big boy weight is to rock your top-tier fraternity tank top. It’s advantageous for everyone involved. You’re a walking, talking mountain of a billboard at 175 pounds that will attract both spitting image recruits and every female in the joint that is going to immediately think you’re an asshole which then makes you approachable in their eyes.
If you’re more middle to lower tier, your clothing really depends on what kind of tone you want to set. If that vibe is, “Hey, at least the kid’s trying,” wear your letters. You might even be able to lock down a bench out of sheer pity. But if you want to at least appear like you don’t immediately blow word diarrhea out of your mouth any time you hold a conversation with the opposite sex and get the slightest speck of respect from your peers, throw on a sorority tank.
Now you can be a complete psychopath and try to lone wolf your workout with minimal human interaction and maximum focus and results, or you can be a sensible individual and find someone to go with at the house. Ideally someone that is your strength equal. That way, you’re not constantly hindered by inconveniences like re-racking plates or pushing one another to be better.
Get in enough pre-workout to have your heart feeling like it’s having Looney Tune heart palpitations, blare the most effeminate EDM song from the system in your souped up Honda Civic, and hit the road to glory.
Walk around three-fourths of the track above the basketball courts scouting the competition and loosening up doing middle school gym class arm circles. As soon as you hit that final straightaway, Usain Bolt past the Tri Delts casually jogging in the inner lanes like Velociraptors perpetually falling on a frozen lake.
After you hit the weight room, make sure to spot out and embrace any fraternity brother, female friend, or kid you had a two minute conversation with in Marketing class at least once to show just how big of a deal you truly are.
The actual workout
10 x 3 Bench Press/Staring at girl at squat rack/Telling chumps how many more sets you have.
3 x 3 Squats next to girl at squat rack.
2 x 1 Deadlifts at same squat rack using all lower back.
1 x 1 Giving girl at squat rack tips.
1 x 1 Bail after said tips are not well received.
1 x 10 Preacher Curls.
1 x 1 “Fuck that.”
10 x 10 Cable Curls.
1 x 10 Skull Crushers/Hitting your head with bar.
1 x 1 Seeing stars.
10 x 10 Tricep Pushdowns
Basketball for 2 hours continually blaming missed shots on how sore you are from lifting.
500g of protein. Start pregaming for bars. Poop out massive amounts of protein in bar bathroom.
Repeat 6 days a week. Maybe 5 depending on how hungover you are on the weekends.
Image via Bradley Martyn