A Fraternity Man’s Guide To Offending People

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When I pledged a fraternity, I never had to worry about someone getting offended by something I did or who I was. In fact, whenever people said they were offended in my days, they were laughed at until they went home and cried to their mother. Something changed over the past few years, however, because people are getting offended left and right and, for some reason, everyone is on their side. You’re in the minority these days if you aren’t offended.

Most of the things guys in fraternities do are considered offensive by outsiders. So, without further ado, here is the fraternity man’s ultimate guide to offending people in this new generation.

Be White

This is an easy one. By being born white, you are at a disadvantage — you’re automatically an easy target for offended people. No matter where you come from, what you do, what you say, you will be in the wrong. That’s just the way it works nowadays. Your privilege will be scrutinized from the day you are born until the day you die. In that sense, a big privilege of not being white is not having to deal with burdensome white privilege. Being an offended person is not limited to any race either, so you will have other white people offended by you being white as well. Get used to it now or move to a Scandinavian country.

Be Rich

What’s worse than being white? Being white and rich. Money is the root of all evil to these folks (unless it’s their own money), so you want to make sure you have none of it. Don’t be the rich kid that offends everyone with his Range Rover parked in front of the house and who’s waving his money like a fan in the face of all the poors out there. Instead, let someone who has a Geo park outside to let everyone know you support the mythical wage gap.

Throw A Theme Party

Having a theme party is one big, easy way to offend someone. Toga party? That’s offensive to people of Roman descent. Want to hold a Mardis Gras party? That’s offensive to the people of New Orleans. Have you no feelings for the victims of Katrina? Offended people will nitpick any and every aspect of your party in order to get you in trouble. They might even be offended you’re drinking Mexican beer because that appropriates Mexican culture. Remember, these people won’t stop complaining until they get their way.

Have A Different Opinion Than Them

Hate safe spaces? Think Donald Trump should be president? Big fan of guns? That’s not allowed. You have to follow the exact thought process that these people have or else you are going to trigger them into next year. Differing opinions are no longer allowed in this world because having a discussion is no longer productive and is detrimental to society’s growth. So next time someone says something you don’t agree with, as a fraternity man, you will have to change your stance in order to not offend them and risk being kicked off campus.

Exist

You’re in a fraternity. You are inherently bad for society. Therefore, just by waking up each day, you are pissing off someone.

Keep it up.

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