Fraternity Member Questionable For Saturday’s Game After Suffering Concussion While Cavemaning Beer

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Miami, OH — Junior Sports Science major and active Phi Gamma Theta member Travis Sheets is questionable for this Saturday’s game after an attempt to smash a frozen Natural Light over his forehead at last week’s tailgate knocked the Ohio native out cold for several minutes. After erupting into laughter from the slapstick mishap, risk management chair David Murphy assisted Sheets back to his feet and evaluated his pledge brother for brain trauma.

Murphy followed textbook fraternity cognitive testing: shaking Sheets several times, holding up three fingers directly in front of his face, and asking if Travis was “all good?” Sheets was cleared to continue drinking and eventually passed out in a backyard lawn chair before kickoff.

Since then, Travis has complained of constant migraines and has shown a sensitivity to brothers shining lights directly into his eyes. He was then put through the chapter’s complex concussion protocol of being sent to the university’s health center where he was promptly handed a Z-pak and shown the door before saying a word to the nurse practitioner.

Phi Gamma Theta members question the legitimacy of the injury and dedication Sheets has for the organization.

“A little too coincidental if you ask me,” says fifth-year-senior Joseph Banks. “It’s his week to supervise the pledges setting up for tailgate and suddenly he can’t drink or be out in the light and heat. Sounds like normal (un-concussed) Travis to me: trying to weasel his way out of responsibility.”

“It’s just part of the game,” remarked fraternity alumnus Chad Campbell. “I’d knock myself out drinking at least twice a week as an undergrad. You just have to get up, dust yourself off, and grab another brew. Kids these days don’t get it. They’ve been pampered their entire lives and are softer than tissue paper,” added the 23-year-old entry level employee at Enterprise Rental Car. “Here’s my card if you want to make your career work for you and not the other way around.”

Sheets is still listed as day-to-day, and will be a game time decision on Saturday.

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