The number of fraternity men in the United States who lack access to safe-to-drink water has gone up by 5000% over the last two years. The culprit? YETI Ramblers.
YETI’s trusty Ramblers, designed to keep their contents as cold as possible for as long as possible, do just that. It seems fraternity men, however, weren’t ready for the sheer frigidness that would befall their water after its placement in the metallic container; the frostiness that would prevent the water’s consumption and lead to widespread bouts of unquenched thirst.
As was previously mentioned, this lack of access to potable water is not an isolated incident. Across the country, America’s privileged youth are experiencing a lack of access to safe water that is being referred to as the Frint (Frat Flint) Water Crisis.
“Fuck, man, I’m dying out here,” said Kevin Wilkerson, a senior member of the Beta Delta fraternity at Northwestern Alabama State University. “My parents got me a YETI Rambler last month as a gesture of goodwill after wrongfully accusing me of selling off my prescribed Adderall. Little did they know, I actually was selling off my Adderall, and the “Adderall” pills I showed them to prove I hadn’t sold mine were actually just some boner pills I had left over from my term as pledge master — we used to crush them up and sneak them into the pledges’ meals before they had exams and then go watch as their dongs would rise up and collapse the retractable lecture hall desks. Man, I ought to give all that old hazing shit to the current pledge training crew. What the hell am I supposed to do with a double-sided dildo? Surprisingly enough, we didn’t stick one pledge on one end of the dildo and one on the other, like you’re probably expecting; no, their b-holes were just so gaping by the time they got to week 7 of pledgeship that double-sided dildos were the only ones that were long enough to… Damn it, I’m so off topic.”
Wilkerson proceeded to pull an Adderall out of his pocket and take it.
“Anyways, I put some ice water in my Rambler before going golfing this past Sunday. By hole 3, I wanted some of that H2O goodness because I ran out of beer. I put my lips up to it, but the water inside was so cold that I couldn’t take even a single sip,” Wilkerson said. “Same thing happened on the 6th hole. And the 10th. And the 11th-18th. I was so dehydrated that my piss was this yellowy/rainbow color that I didn’t even know existed. Scary stuff.”
We asked Wilkerson during our interview if, it now being two days later, it was safe to take a sip. He went for it, before quickly pulling his head away and yelling “AAGHHHH BRAIN FREEZE!!! WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?! ACCESS TO DRINKABLE WATER IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT!!!”
Wilkerson, clearly steamed and disgruntled, then got into his BMW.
“I’m going to go talk to my congressman about this,” Wilkerson said as he pulled away. “That should make some sort of a difference, considering he’s my dad.”.
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