Fraternity Rush vs. Sorority Recruitment
Taking a look inside the minds of a fraternity guy and a sorority girl throughout the Rush/Recruitment process.
If I have to hear one more kid explain to me why his major is “undeclared” I’m going to paddle him right between his eyebrows. I’ve done more man-flirting tonight than a menopausal cougar at a high school prom. Rush Chair yelled at me for saying “What, are you a pussy or something?” when a kid asked if we hazed. I stand by my decision.
Oh my God, we have the best song. And I’m not even just saying that, ours is actually just better than everyone else’s. Ahh! This is it! Here they come! They’re beautiful! Ok, a lot of them actually aren’t. But I am literally obsessed with this girl. I swear I think I found my Little. Emily is a great name. I’m going to start practicing her monogram tonight. I am literally in LOVE.
The anti-hazing 5’9” vagina didn’t come back, and I say good riddance. Had the creepiest pair of ginger twins in existence come through the house today. Five minutes in and the Rush Chair was already asking me to show them back to the door. “Sorry guys, I don’t think this house is a good fit for you,” you crimson scalped abominations of Satan. Bids started flying today, and we’re getting a steady stream of future footrests eager to please. Still not allowed to treat them like the worthless filth they are, but I made one pledge-to-be pour me a drink at our blatantly non-IFC sanctioned after party. He only put two shots worth in it, mental note teach that kid to not be a little bitch.
Emily Jones….Emily Jones….Emily Jones is not on this list. Omg. She didn’t come back. What the hell happened! Fuck? Who is this Marjorie chick? Marjorie? What kind of name is that. Cool, she’s a dancer, I bet we can talk about that for like…35 seconds before I remember she’s not Emily. Wait wait… *** did better than us this round?!?! Does that even make any sense? What kind of warped, suicidal Twilight zone am I in right now? Ugh, whatever…our skit is amazing, this is my favorite round. Be positive. Can’t wait to go talk to “Marjorie.” I have a huge blister, and all I want to do is switch to flats. But that would make me 4 inches uglier. Fuck Recruitment. Our song is fucking stupid.
I’ve never wanted to drop kick someone so badly as I do right now. Even though we’ve had a solid first few days, if you listened to the Rush Chair for eight seconds you would think that we were single handedly spiraling our house into the void of a sexless bottom tier lifestyle. Granted, I spent the first hour of rush upstairs playing beer pong, but I’m an old fuck and feel I completely have earned the right to do so. At one point 15 guys were upstairs pouring whiskey inconspicuously into their Coke cans. What do they expect, us to stay sober for this endless stream of awkward? IFC exec walked through the house tonight, and as soon as they did someone ushered me into an unused back room. I didn’t mean to knock over the recliner, coffee table, and Chik-Fil-A platter when I saw them, it just kind of happened.
Our skit did amaazzingly, obviously, our skit girls are amazing. And honestly, it really looks like we have a pretty solid group of girls remaining…But no fucking thanks to PC ‘11. These girls are so fucking entitled. They have no idea how hard we worked to get such an awesome pledge class. Like, I’m a senior. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter to me. I’m graduating. This chapter is going to fall the fuck apart when we graduate. Ugh! These are their LITTLES. Like if they don’t give a shit, why should I? “GIRLS! GET YOUR FUCKING FEET OFF THE GROUND! THAT IS NOT JUMPING! YOU KNOW WHO’S JUMPING??? *** – DO YOU WANT THE BITCHES NEXT DOOR TO STEAL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE? DO YOU HEAR MY VOICE? I DON’T HAVE ONE! BECAUSE I HAVE TO SCREAM BECAUSE I’M OVER-COMPENSATING FOR YOU!” Why the hell is our recruitment chair being so nice to them? And I swear to God, if we don’t drop this fucking weirdo legacy before tomorrow, I’m going to murder someone. I’ll call her mom, sister, aunt, and dying grandmother myself, just get her the hell out of here.
So close but so God Damned far. Today might be the last day of Rush, but it’s felt like the longest by a mile. Morale is sinking as every night as we spend our precious drinking hours acting like what dorm these kids are shackled to is the most interesting thing in the world. The house is steadily becoming a grungy shithole, as the pristine post-work week cleanliness fades away. Looks like these kids will have quite a bit of work to do for their first work “party.” We’ve got plenty of solid kids more than ready to be demoralized into tears, yet Captain Rushfuck is insisting that we avoid “Giving up and getting wasted” just because we’ve done well so far. I’m sorry, I thought this was America.
Oh my Goddddd. Our preference round is really so beautiful. I’m going to cry. Look at this room. Everyone is so beautiful. Look at all the PNMs. They’re so pretty! When Erin gives her speech, I’m literally going to be a basket case. I don’t even care about the new pledge class. I mean, like I do, but I’m already so blessed to be a part of something so amazing, and I know the new girls will be fantastic. Everything always works out, I can’t believe I even stressed. I can’t wait to welcome them into this amazing sisterhood. This has really been the most meaningful experience I’ve ever had. I’m going to miss these girls so much. How did I get so lucky? Shit. I’m crying. I thought I wouldn’t.
After what felt like decades of moderately-sober boredom, it’s finally over. With the miserable monotony of rush coming to a close, we capped off the week with a glorious steak dinner. And by glorious, I mean slightly above average, but still pretty fucking good when you consider our Chef is a bumbling PTSD ‘Nam vet who refuses to cook with salt. Still, with the bitterness of Rush finally coming to a close, I can’t help but think it’s one of the most delicious things I’ve ever eaten. Tastes just like indentured servitude. Despite the Rush Chair’s anal attitude all week, we actually managed a solid pledge class who will one day bring great value to the house. But I’m too buzzed off Blue Label to think that far ahead, in the meantime HALLELUJAH WE FINALLY HAVE PLEDGES AGAIN!
It’s bid day bitches!!! Is it weird that I’m so sad that Recruitment is over? All I want to do is sing our door song on repeat. We have the best song. Omg and our babies are so hot! Literally, they are gorgeous! They might be even prettier than my PC! Haha, kidding, my PC was the hottest we’ve ever had, but I am more than happy to share my letters with these perfect, precious, adorable little bundles of joy! Pour me another drink, because I’m about to teach these bitties my favorite “puuuuuuut a brother on a sooooooofa.” Omg, look at my g-little go! That nugget she’s talking to is so pretty! And she’s tiny like the rest of our fam! You dirty little that betch, and dirty little her hard. Make grandma proud. Can’t wait to go home and friend all these girliessss with the signature wall post: “Welcome to the BEST sorority on campus, Nicole! It was sooo great meeting you tonight, and we’re so happy to have you! Get excited for the best time of your life! *** Love and Mine! <3” Ugh, omg I love Recruitment.