Citing irreconcilable differences after another unnecessarily emotional argument over recent Instagram activity, Beta Gamma Omega sophomore Ryan Murphy announced that he “just can’t deal” with longterm girlfriend Jessica Thompson’s jealous tendencies. Murphy declared to be “so done with that bitch” roughly around 2:30 a.m. at the intersection of University and 3rd while walking back from The Plaza with pledge brothers Derrick Whitman and Mike Denadel.
Witnesses described Murphy to be visibly intoxicated: stumbling along the sidewalk incoherently uttering “let’s call some honeys over” between cigarette drags and still having a noticeable amount of pizza sauce on the side of his mouth.
“We’ve heard it all before,” Whitman told reporters. “This happens at least twice a week.”
“No, I mean it this time,” shouted an inebriated Murphy. “I’m done. So fucking done with this shit.”
The fight between the spirited couple originated from a passive aggressive remark by Thompson earlier in the day seeing that Murphy had thrown a like on her sorority sister Carmen Delgado’s newest bikini photo gram. Not putting much stock into the comment, Murphy vastly underestimated the gravity of his actions.
Things came to an explosive head at Bo’s Saloon hours later when Murphy was seen conversing bar side with Delgado. Thompson interrupted once it appeared Murphy was enjoying himself and demanded that they “needed to talk.” Holding back tears, Thompson inquired if Murphy “was serious right now.” The two proceeded to bicker back and forth on the outside deck until Thompson finally let Murphy walk away after a dozen or so attempts. Thompson was last seen leaving with her little sister, Becky Roberts. We have received multiple reports that she left the Phi Delt house earlier this morning, but have yet to confirm the validity of those accounts.
Murphy is said to have sent a “Hey stranger” text to 35 different numbers while sitting at the bar with Whitman and Denadel until last call after failing to relocate Delgado.
“Kid was just firing up desperation heave after desperation heave,” voiced ashamed pledge brother Denadel. “His exes, a few hookups, hell, I think he even hit up his 55-year-old marketing professor at one point. Still, no dice.”
A boozed up Murphy then tried to spearhead a late night trip to the strip club.
“After we got back to the house, he just kept cheering ‘Booby bar, Booby bar’ and that eventually regressed into ‘boobs, boobs’ until he eventually just passed the fuck out on the kitchen counter,” recalled Whitman. “Just your run-of-the-mill summer night for Murph.”
Denadel went into further detail about just how common of a night it was for Murphy.
“Us in-house guys set the over/under on the amount of times they’ll break up this summer to 14.5. I’m sitting pretty with the over as it’s not even July and they’re already at 9. Plenty of game left to play.”.
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