Fratting Fathers: Thomas Jefferson

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I recently read Robert Morgan’s “Lions of the West.” Morgan chronicles heroes and villains of the American dream, manifest destiny. Although I disagree with Morgan that there were any villains involved in westward expansion. Manifest Destiny was God’s Plan, not ours. It was a good read, though. Morgan writes about Thomas Jefferson in his second chapter and takes a detailed look at his big daddy power play, the Louisiana Purchase. TJ has always been a personal hero of mine. His passion for states’ rights, his pet mockingbird Dick, and his all around status as a renaissance man has taught me to never be surprised when I find out a new fun fact about my favorite founding father. So, today we are going to take a closer look at just how frat the Sage of Monticello was.

Monticello

The author of the Declaration of Independence, the third President of the United States of America, and the Founder of the University of Virginia are all legendary credentials. Like any good man though, first and foremost among Jefferson’s responsibilities and credentials was his position as king of his own castle on the 5,000 acre plantation home in Charlottesville, Virginia; Monticello. It was on acreage so massive that it would likely dwarf all of your brothers’ ranches and lake houses combined. Jefferson knew that work on a man’s home is never done and constructed Monticello for 40 years between 1769 and 1809 when he retired from public service. The main house had 43 rooms. Scholars believe it represented one for every 18th century V card swiped by TJ. Scholars also believe that Jefferson was an ass man. There are rumors of the worst kind that Jefferson, being an ass man, had sexual relations and bastard children with some of the female help, but all of the claims are completely unfounded as President of the Thomas Jefferson foundation Dr. Dan Jordan told me at a seminar last November in Oxford, Mississippi. Jefferson has men with PhDs covering his alibis 200 years after his death. TFFM (Total Founding Father Move). Jefferson also built the first ever dome on record on an American home at Monticello. So, it is completely and historically accurate to say that Jefferson invented getting dome in America. Jefferson slaved away as a public servant to the federal government, but he undoubtedly relished his title as master of his personal domain.

The Louisiana Purchase

As Americans, we know better than to kick a man when he’s down, but if that man is a pompous French asshole it’s a different story entirely, and that is a precedent set by Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson purchased 828,000 sq. miles of fresh American soil in 1803 at the price of 3 cents an acre. Jefferson made the purchase when Napolean and the French lost control of their pledges in Haiti and were facing a war with the coolest house on campus, England. Napoleon only intended to sell the port of New Orleans and a small surrounding area, but Jefferson had other plans and bought half of the fucking country. He secured the entire trade route of the Mississippi River, the port of New Orleans, and removed the French presence from the Western hemisphere with one swift thrust of his pelvis towards the French. So next time you head to NOLA for spring formal and don’t have to take your passport or deal with the hassle of customs, pour a little out for TJ as a gesture of gratitude.

Death

There’s nothing frat about a death by uremia, severe diarrhea and pneumonia. Or is there? Jefferson’s health began to deteriorate in June of 1825 with these symptoms and was confined to his final bed rest in July of 1826. He passed away on the 4th of July of 1826. At 8:00 on July 3rd, Jefferson awoke and spoke his final words: “Is it the Fourth yet?” IF ANY OF YOU THINK THERE IS A COINCIDENCE INVOLVED IN THE FACT THAT JEFFERSON DIED ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY THE NATION HE HELPED FORMED DECLARED INDEPENDENCE, I WILL FIGHT YOU.

An icon of republicanism and the founder of my country, Thomas Jefferson embodies all qualities a fraternity man should dream of obtaining. Jefferson had a pet mockingbird that he fed sunflower seeds from his teeth, spoke five languages, and had an excellent singing voice. RIP Thomas Jefferson. You were frat before it was cool, and you are a big reason I can say I’m proud to be an American.

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