Fratting Fathers: Thomas Jefferson

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I recently read Robert Morgan’s “Lions of the West.” Morgan chronicles heroes and villains of the American dream, manifest destiny. Although I disagree with Morgan that there were any villains involved in westward expansion. Manifest Destiny was God’s Plan, not ours. It was a good read, though. Morgan writes about Thomas Jefferson in his second chapter and takes a detailed look at his big daddy power play, the Louisiana Purchase. TJ has always been a personal hero of mine. His passion for states’ rights, his pet mockingbird Dick, and his all around status as a renaissance man has taught me to never be surprised when I find out a new fun fact about my favorite founding father. So, today we are going to take a closer look at just how frat the Sage of Monticello was.

Monticello

The author of the Declaration of Independence, the third President of the United States of America, and the Founder of the University of Virginia are all legendary credentials. Like any good man though, first and foremost among Jefferson’s responsibilities and credentials was his position as king of his own castle on the 5,000 acre plantation home in Charlottesville, Virginia; Monticello. It was on acreage so massive that it would likely dwarf all of your brothers’ ranches and lake houses combined. Jefferson knew that work on a man’s home is never done and constructed Monticello for 40 years between 1769 and 1809 when he retired from public service. The main house had 43 rooms. Scholars believe it represented one for every 18th century V card swiped by TJ. Scholars also believe that Jefferson was an ass man. There are rumors of the worst kind that Jefferson, being an ass man, had sexual relations and bastard children with some of the female help, but all of the claims are completely unfounded as President of the Thomas Jefferson foundation Dr. Dan Jordan told me at a seminar last November in Oxford, Mississippi. Jefferson has men with PhDs covering his alibis 200 years after his death. TFFM (Total Founding Father Move). Jefferson also built the first ever dome on record on an American home at Monticello. So, it is completely and historically accurate to say that Jefferson invented getting dome in America. Jefferson slaved away as a public servant to the federal government, but he undoubtedly relished his title as master of his personal domain.

The Louisiana Purchase

As Americans, we know better than to kick a man when he’s down, but if that man is a pompous French asshole it’s a different story entirely, and that is a precedent set by Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson purchased 828,000 sq. miles of fresh American soil in 1803 at the price of 3 cents an acre. Jefferson made the purchase when Napolean and the French lost control of their pledges in Haiti and were facing a war with the coolest house on campus, England. Napoleon only intended to sell the port of New Orleans and a small surrounding area, but Jefferson had other plans and bought half of the fucking country. He secured the entire trade route of the Mississippi River, the port of New Orleans, and removed the French presence from the Western hemisphere with one swift thrust of his pelvis towards the French. So next time you head to NOLA for spring formal and don’t have to take your passport or deal with the hassle of customs, pour a little out for TJ as a gesture of gratitude.

Death

There’s nothing frat about a death by uremia, severe diarrhea and pneumonia. Or is there? Jefferson’s health began to deteriorate in June of 1825 with these symptoms and was confined to his final bed rest in July of 1826. He passed away on the 4th of July of 1826. At 8:00 on July 3rd, Jefferson awoke and spoke his final words: “Is it the Fourth yet?” IF ANY OF YOU THINK THERE IS A COINCIDENCE INVOLVED IN THE FACT THAT JEFFERSON DIED ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY THE NATION HE HELPED FORMED DECLARED INDEPENDENCE, I WILL FIGHT YOU.

An icon of republicanism and the founder of my country, Thomas Jefferson embodies all qualities a fraternity man should dream of obtaining. Jefferson had a pet mockingbird that he fed sunflower seeds from his teeth, spoke five languages, and had an excellent singing voice. RIP Thomas Jefferson. You were frat before it was cool, and you are a big reason I can say I’m proud to be an American.

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  1. 4
    40koozie

    Lest we forget that TJ was also a member of the Flat Hat Club at William & Mary, which later became Phi Beta Kappa, the first Greek organization–all TFMs are forever indebted to this guy.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Jon M Fratsman

      Kappa Sigma is nationally speaking a very well-respected fraternity for plenty of reasons, most of which I agree with. But this 1400 thing…is silly bullshit, just like KA insisting on being called “The Order”. If KSig was really founded in 1400 then my fraternity was founded in 312 AD when Constantine had his psychedelic dream. We all have “spiritual foundings”, but I hate to break it to you, your American social fraternity was probably founded in the mid-1800s and not any significant amount of time before that.

      And yes, Phi Beta Kappa was the first Greek-letter social & secret fraternity in America. It was part of my pledge education as well.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      BornOnTheBayou

      The first Greek letter organization was ɸΒΚ at W&M? I’m not contesting it, just want someone else to testify to the truth of that. It’s just an interesting development in American history, and one I’d like to be sure about when I try (in vain, of course) to explain to the anti-Greek population the history and meanings of fraternities. So I have nothing against PBK, but doesn’t Kappa Sigma claim to have adopted its Greek letters in Italy in like the 18th century? I realize this is a kind of question on par with “Who’s the oldest university in America?” because it’s not a cut-and-dry question, but I do wonder if anyone knows definitively. Surely something must’ve happened to make age-old organizations evolve into secret letter societies.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      Fraternity Lifestyle

      This was part of my pledge education. Yes, The Flat Hat Club became the Phi Beta Kappa house at William and Mary and is regarded as the first Greek letter fraternity in America.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      Frat Blue Ribbon

      ^^Thank you. Some people need to realize there is more to a fraternity than fucking fashion and acting like an asshole. There are those things and being a part of a brotherhood. More columns like this

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 2
    frattyfucker

    “5,000 acre plantation … it would likely dwarf all of your brothers’ ranches and lake houses combined” I guess you don’t know the rich in texas

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 1
    Judge

    He also was two days late with the declaration of independence because he locked himself in a room and got baked for a month, TFTC

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  4. 0
    fratmobile

    Do you actually enjoy history or do you just read whatever pop history crap book being promoted to you by Sean Hannity at the moment? Thomas Jefferson was unquestionable the most anti-business and anti-free market president the United States has ever seen through the Embargo Act of 1807. If you think think Jefferson supported the notion of small government or fostering American industry you are, without a shadow of a doubt, a fucking moron who doesn’t understand the first thing about history. Maybe if you actually took the time to study the past instead of reading it as a comic book where America is superman you wouldn’t have said something as idiotic as “manifest destiny was God’s plan” and would have been able to properly assign credit where credit is due.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      BornOnTheBayou

      fratmobile, you’re a moron and, even worse, clearly a Yankee. The Embargo Act was hated by the Northeast who enjoyed dealing with English merchants despite egregious infringements on U.S. sovereignty by the English navy. The sons of bitches were siding with the redcoats instead of the REAl red white and blue. The Embargo Act was also not undue big government because it’s a very clean-cut right of the federal government to impose such embargoes under Article 1 Section 8 of the Constitution, giving Congress the right to “regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes,” so you can take your unpatriotic tripe and get the fuck out of here because we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      ATX0476

      BOTB just shit on some yankee “know it all” who thought his history lessons at Penn State cut it. Not around here. Frat on BOTB.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      ImNateHlggers

      You’re missing the part where the whole idea behind Manifest Destiny is that it was God’s plan for the US to spread from sea to shining sea; in territory and in the virtues of freedom. That’s what John L. O’Sullivan meant. Also, if you don’t think America is the superman of all nations, please jump off a cliff.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      PhrattyPrep

      BOTB, cheers. It’s about damn time someone put his foot down. And that foot was you.
      As stated previously, Jefferson was fully within his right to reign in the yankee bastards who were dealing with the Brits. He was putting sympathizers in check for trading with a country their fathers had died fighting against. The British were also getting uppity (impressing/forcing sailors to sail for the Royal Navy regardless of nationality; see hazing other fraternities’ pledges), as well as putting tariffs on all US exports to pay for war debts (see house damage). TJ passed legislation, asses were kicked, names were taken, v cards were swiped. *Que “The Star Spangled Banner”*

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  5. 0
    JohnCaldwelFRAThoun

    Thomas Jefferson is by far my favorite president. However, you must not know that much about him because you wrote about Manifest Destiny being God’s plan not ours in an article about Thomas Jefferson when he was a deist, (and in case you don’t even know what that means which you likely won’t from the ridiculous attempts at jokes about him being an ass man) he believed in God, but he would not believe that anything was “God’s plan not ours”.

    Yes I believe he was the greatest president of all time but when you speak of him as “founder of republicanism” you are correct in saying he was a strong proponent of a democratic government in which citizens elect officials, first elected candidate from the democratic republican party. But if you are saying that Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin are the Jefferson’s of our time with strong Bible Belt convictions and hardcore GOP beliefs (which a lot of people claim every founding father was) you are very mistaken. He followed Jesus’ moral teachings but did not believe he was the son of God, or that a creator had an active role in our lives. He’d be more of a libertarian and thats not siding one way or another that is just stating the facts take it or leave it.

    One of the greatest men ever to live really should have had Bacon write an article about him, he can at least write worth a damn and isn’t a fucking moron.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  6. 0
    Rich Fader

    Another TFTC. Thomas Jefferson and John Adams checking out within hours of each other on the 50th anniversary of Independence Day.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  7. 0
    Northern Lax

    “If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered…I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies… The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs.” My favorite quote, because he basically summed up 236 years in advance what is happening now. Brilliant dude.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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