Frustrated Neighbor Would Like The Resident In Apartment 12 To Stop Fucking So Loudly

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Nice Move

Life is tough when you live next to night owls who party into the early hours of the morning and don’t seem to care if the rest of the apartment complex gets any sleep. You can handle it, though. Hell, you were young once. You understand that just because you need sleep to maintain sanity, those damn millennials just need an early morning energy drink. But add in a third variable–loud, uncontrollable fucking–and you might lose it.

What is the course of action to politely ask them to stop? An anonymous letter, of course.

Via Imgur (CLICK TO ENLARGE):

Screen Shot 2014-11-13 at 1.51.38 PM

Below is the letter in its entirety (emphasis mine).

Hi,

Firstly, I would just like to congratulate you.

I would like to congratulate you on the lustrous social life you seem to have been living since you moved in. It seems as though you have many friends (many of whom are rather good looking), and I hope being the hub of such a large social circle provides your life with fulfillment.

I can deal with the hordes of alcohol fuelled (sic) guests, coming and going at all hours the morning and the night…

I can deal with the with intoxicated foreigners screaming “I LOVE BOND!!” in broken English as I eat dinner with my family…

I can handle your annoying, and slightly western suburbs sounding, voice as you seem to proclaim your love for your hordes of booze filled guests.

I can even handle the occasional stray cigarette butt that somehow finds its way floating down onto my balcony. I would like to remind you that ash trays have been around since 1825 and are available to purchase from most good retail outlets. I can always point you in the direction of “Bondi convenience”, located at 146 Bondi road, Bondi.

But dear occupant of apartment 12, what I cannot stand is what seems to happen of a Saturday night between the hours of 2-3 am.

Let me give you a play by play. As I am asleep, dreaming of playing the perfect game of golf, I near the 13th hole, when suddenly I am awoken by what I can only describe as sounding like a Rhinoceros attempting to demolish a wall, with a jackhammer, whilst high on meth…and cocaine.

This primeval grunting and banging continues to get louder, to which I can only assume the rhinoceros has almost finished demolishing the house. OR the aptly named “NICK, OH NICK” is about to ejaculate…

I do not know who “NICK!” is, or how much he weights (sic), I can only assume it is a lot due to the fact on several occasions my bedroom slight begins to shake.

Lucky for me “NICK” doesn’t appear to last long, and for that I am thankful. I do not wish to pry in on your sex life, apartment 12, however I ask that before you mount Nick (or the rhino) I suggest you bolt the bed to the floor as so the rest of the beautiful residents here do not have to listen to your VERY loud, VERY short yet VERY annoying love making sessions.

I hope you don’t take this letter in distaste, more of a request for some common courtesy to the other residents–THANKYOU

Ignoring the grammar issues, and there were a lot, this was a well-played move. Let’s hope Nick took the hints and bought a gym membership.

[via Imgur]

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