Gary Johnson Released A Medical Letter And Might Be A Physical Freak

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Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson is kind of an odd bird. He’s called Donald Trump a pussy twice in the same interview, has some of the craziest eyes in the history of politics, and refuses to play anything but classic rock at his rallies. Needless to say, he’s a hardcore dude. In the midst of all the controversy surrounding the health of other candidates, Governor Johnson decided to nip any claims to his own health right in the bud. He went to a doctor, got examined, and released a letter about it to the public.

From NBC News:

Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson is in “extraordinarily good health,” according to a letter released from his doctor on Friday.
Dr. Lyle Amer, who conducted an examination of the 63-year-old two weeks ago, wrote that the presidential candidate frequently exercises, doesn’t drink or smoke, and “feels well.”
In releasing the letter, Johnson’s campaign noted that he has completed 17 marathons, four Ironman triathlons and climbed the highest peaks on each of the seven continents.
Johnson does have Celiac Disease and is going to start taking 1,000 units of vitamin D each day.

That’s a pretty impressive bill of health for the Governor. Of course, as they are so prone to doing, the media has decided not to release a full write-up of Johnson’s physical prowess. Here are some snippets that might pique your interest.

– Gov. Johnson has never had pneumonia, hair implants, or been spray tanned.
– Only takes the stairs, never giant escalators
– High value assets include a hyperbolic chamber, a Life Fitness Home Gym, and ECCO BIOMs made from the leather of Himalayan Yaks
– Does 250 reps of “eye-bulges” a night for peak optical stamina
– Is physically capable of knocking back the sun when it attempts to swallow Earth
– Can bench press Chris Christie 15 times

If you don’t think that optimum physical condition is the most important trait a candidate can have, you finally have your guy. At a time when national security is such a key issue, we need a Commander in Chief who is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rain javelins on threats to our great country. When gladiatorial combat finally becomes commonplace in the Senate, we’re going to want a guy like Johnson to come in and veto a bill for the people who can’t. Keep doing you, Governor. Dwayne Johnson 2024.

[via NBC News]

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Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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