Gator Bites Swimmer’s Arm Off; Which is Apparently No Big Deal in Florida

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It began as any other day in the Wetlands of Florida, and pretty much ended as any other day in the Wetlands of Florida. 17 year-old Kaleb Langdale went for an innocent swim in the Caloosahatchee River yesterday when he was attacked by a ten-foot gator. As is typical of a gator attack, the teen lost the battle, and one of his arms. No word yet on if it was the arm he masturbated with, making it impossible to yet know just how tragic this story may truly be.

What was most interesting about this story, however, wasn’t that some idiot lost an arm to a gator, but rather the nonchalance that this article was written. Take a look at some of these quotes:

“His friends told Fort Myers television station WBBH that while the arm could not be reattached, Langdale was in good spirits.”

I mean really? He was in good spirits? Apparently losing one of the most crucial limbs on your body isn’t as serious as it used to be. Am I the world’s biggest pussy for complaining about my sore shoulder now? But still, this kid is either a champ, or a complete dumbass. If it was me, I’d already be out of the hospital waging a full-scale war on any damned gator that crossed my path. Eat my arm, I’ll murder your family you sumbitch gator.

Even if you are weirdly capable of coping with such a traumatizing loss, you would think that the process of having about 873 jagged teeth sawing your arm off would be horrible, but not to this guy:

“Another friend said Langdale popped out of the water shortly after being bitten.

“He was waving saying, ‘Call the paramedics! My arm is gone!’”

Call the paramedics? My arm is gone? I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this quote, because there is no way in hell that is what this kid said after his arm got shredded off. Maybe if the article read, “SHIT SHIT SHIT HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF ZEUS FUCK! A FUCKING GATOR JUST ATE MY FUCKING ARM, GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” I would believe it.

The only conclusion I can come to is that this shit happens so often that literally nobody gives a fuck about gator attacks anymore, and the news station was simply filling empty hours. I mean hell, this was child’s play compared to what usually happens:

“Since 1948, 224 people have suffered major alligator bites, including 22 fatal bites…”

I can picture the Floridans watching this now:

“Meh, he didn’t even die, show me something worth watching.”

Fucking Florida. Between gator attacks, face eating, and drug wars, it’s just hard to get you guys pumped for anything that doesn’t belong in a snuff film.

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  1. I live in south Florida, and I know Kaleb. Cool, real nice guy. He’s in good spirits because well, at least he’s still alive. He actually gave the alligator his hand, if he hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t have made it. In all honesty, knowing Kaleb, he probably said everything you just read. There is a silver lining though, gator got his right arm, and I’m pretty sure he throws left handed.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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  2. BetterInTriD

    Truth. Since moving to Gainesville for summer classes at UF, I have encountered a fair share of “Fucking Florida…” moments.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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