“Gay” Trees Offend Crazy Man

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An Ohio man named Jim Flechtner Findlay recently made a startling discovery about Ohio’s state tree, the Ohio Buckeye. That discovery? That the tree has both bisexual and male flowers. Naturally the image of two beefy man trees going to town on each other offended Mr. Findlay’s delicate Christian sensibilities, so he felt compelled to write in to his local paper, The Courier:

Something in the “Just Ask” column (Page A3, May 29) disturbed me. According to the column, “the Ohio buckeye, Aesculus glabra, bears flowers with both male and female organs on the same tree. It is a monoecious species.” I couldn’t believe this, so I did some research and, sure enough, a science website (forestry.about.com) states that “the Ohio buckeye is polygamo-monoecious, bearing both bisexual and male flowers.” The buckeye is our state tree and most of us gladly wear the nickname, “buckeyes.” But it is shameful and unacceptable that a bisexual tree should represent us! We are flaunting the Holy Bible!

I urge everyone to contact their state representative and demand legislation removing the buckeye as our state tree and condemning the use of the term “buckeye” as a nickname for residents of Ohio.

Does anyone know if carnations are bisexual?

Jim Flechtner Findlay

Doesn’t Mr. Findlay realize that those trees didn’t choose to be bisexual? They were just germinated that way. Also I guess he clearly doesn’t understand the difference between plant “bisexuality” and human bisexuality. But even if they were the same, would you really be surprised that there are gay trees? They’re ALL wood. Every time branches from two different trees intertwine it’s like they’re playing swords.

But I’m no arborist, maybe there really are forests in Ohio where you can find two gay trees humping each other. So I decided to ask a real live plant scientist. Unfortunately the few that I called on the phone hung up as soon as I asked, “Do trees have butt sex?” I thought science was all about daring to ask questions, dammit! Furthermore a Google search of “Are buckeyes gay” simply led me to a handful of University of Michigan sports message boards and one website that I’ll be explaining to IT later today.

There’s no word on the current progress of Mr. Findlay’s petition to rid Ohio of it’s sort of gay mascot, but my guess is that it’s stalled at the “Get out of my face you crazy asshole” stage.

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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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