Jack Moore is a sports editor for BuzzFeed.com. One of his recent pieces, The Frattiest Quarterbacks in the NFL, caught my eye for obvious reasons (it is fraternity related), but also because of his feeble attempt to perpetuate the mainstream “frat guy” stereotype, ie. a douchey, latently homosexual rapist. I responded with a little left jab, mocking his list, and then GDI Jack came right back at me with another demeaning fraternity piece.
We agreed to answer ten questions for each other. Here are the ten questions I sent GDI Jack, and his unedited answers:
1. Which college did you attend, and did you ever consider joining a fraternity?
GDI Jack: I went to NYU. Fraternities were basically nonexistent. I think there was an Asian one and maybe a Jewish one, but you don’t go to New York to live in a frat house (frat apartment?).
RD: New York, huh? I bet you mix a killer cosmo.
2. At what point during your time in college did you regret not joining a fraternity?
GDI Jack: Never. I feel like frats might serve a purpose if you’re in a small, quiet college town and you need something to provide things to do and ways to meet girls, but believe it or not the city doesn’t lack for either of those things.
RD: We get it. You hang out in the city.
3. Which gaming console was your go-to time consumer during those lonely, boring, one-bedroom apartment Friday nights?
GDI Jack: I didn’t play video games in college, but I have grown fond of the Xbox 360. NBA 2K13 is definitely worth a purchase.
RD: Wrong. N64 is the only acceptable gaming console.
4. Have you ever enjoyed the warm, supple, free-spirited touch of some bare-chested C or D cups? And if so, what was so disenchanting about that experience that led you to never want it to reoccur?
GDI Jack: Can boobs be bare-chested? Women can be bare-chested, revealing said boobs. But a bare-chested boob? Are you saying that the boobs frat guys deal with actually have their own set of boobs? Boobs with boobs? I am a little jealous now.
And yes I have enjoyed the touch of cups from all across our fine alphabet. Though I’m not sure it totally counts by frat rules. The girls were always conscious.
RD: You’re just a regular Jerry Lewis, aren’t you? And did you not think I was going to post the goofy photo of you above? The only nice set of beefers you’ve been around were attached to a girl named Savannah, or Cookie, cost you a handful of dollar bills, and there was no sex involved.
5. What ARE all those goddamn pockets for?
GDI Jack: Frat guys aren’t the only people who hate cargo shorts. If this interview can illuminate anything for your readers, let it be this: ALL SANE AMERICANS HATE CARGO SHORTS. Though I feel like we would probably disagree on the merits of skinny jeans.
RD: Yes, we will most certainly disagree on skinny jeans.
6. Multiple choice: Go back to your first week away at college, freshman year. You find a flyer on the ground outside your dorm that reads: “15 kegger rush party – SLUTS everywhere – get LAID and get PAID.” What do you do?
A. Talk to some guys in your dorm to see if they have any interest in joining you at the party to see what it’s all about.
B. Throw the flyer away in disgust.
C. Go to the party, get laid and get paid.
D. Find the nearest recycling receptacle, drop the flyer in it, then notify the proper university authorities about the littering problem outside your dormitory.
GDI Jack: E. In the city if a piece of paper tells you there will be sluts and free money at a party, you go to a different party, because that first party’s a trap. A robbery and murder-tacular. It would probably take place in the Bronx.
RD: The correct answer was C, Jackie.
7. Have you ever attempted to shotgun a beer? How’d it go? Did you immediately change shirts afterward?
GDI Jack: I have. It was successful. No, you have to play the ball (and the shirt) as it lies.
RD: Fair enough.
8. Do you know what a fraternity test bank is, and does the mere existence of them infuriate you?
GDI Jack: I majored in make pretend (playwriting and political speech writing). I don’t care what you people who have actual tests do with your time. Though I will say I had to ask a former frat president who works at BuzzFeed what the “test bank” was. I just assumed it involved semen. My bad.
RD: Did you intentionally leave out the part about the “former frat president” you work with actually being your boss?
9. Multiple choice again: Which one of these hypothetical Spring Break trips would you choose to participate in?
A. Hang back in town with some of your boys and hit up a bar or two. Keep it low-key.
B. Use the week off to redecorate your dorm room.
C. Panama City Beach roadie with 20 of your boys, hotel on the beach, and 19 to 22-year-old oiled up trim scattered around everywhere you look.
D. Drive back home to see mom, relax, and get a head start on your studies for the remainder of the semester.
GDI Jack: E. A trip is key, but that’s way too many guys. That’s what I don’t get about you frat guys. Why do you need 20 dudes around to get a woman to sleep with you? It’s like you’re all Robert Horry. Do you need a giant audience before you can rise to the occasion?
RD: Again, the correct answer was C. How could you not fucking choose C?
10. What’s your stance on hazing, and do you think a good old-fashioned hazing session would make you a better man?
GDI Jack: Nothing wrong with some hazing. I think the MLB does it right. Shared public embarrassment is a good bonding tool. But the phrasing of this question makes me think you want to do gay things to me, which, though totally fine, would probably not have any effect on the quality of my manhood.
RD: Homosexuality seems to regularly be at the forefront of your thoughts, man.
Be on the lookout for Jack’s rebuttal interview on BuzzFeed.