Sorority rush is a time that must be cherished, for it comes and goes faster than me when I jizz-bomb my asshole neighbor Stavros’ mailbox because he’s a dick and won’t let me and my friends play wiffle ball in his front yard.
The brothers of SAE at the University of Oklahoma know what I’m talking about, those old sailors. During bid day in Norman, they organized an alcoholic gathering at their house to watch the parade of sorority girls pass by. Well, just like every event at any fraternity house ever, something went awry.
Members of the University of Oklahoma’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity cheered on the sororities as they celebrated their “bid” day from their house next door standing from balconies and walls, when one student fell face forward onto the sidewalk.
It may sound macabre, but that last line gave me a real chuckle. I’m just picturing some dude hammered out of his mind and decked out in fratgear, falling off a balcony and face-flopping onto the concrete below. Hilarious. Bet that one’s going in the minutes. What’s even better is OU Student Desmond Harris’ eyewitness testimony of what happened.
“He was up there and he fell off somehow which I don’t understand but something had to have been going on up there which I’m not too sure about but it couldn’t have been safe.”
I literally have no idea what this guy is talking about. I’m not sure if that’s his fault or if the reporter just forgot to use punctuation when dictating Desmond’s report, but I like to imagine the former because it’s way, way funnier.
As is the case with all major fraternity incidents, the President of SAE, Will Dille (TFM), was on damage control shortly afterwards.
Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s President insists this is only a small incident and says the fraternity is just waiting for all of this to blow over.
I like WillDill. Dude seems like a real straight shooter, as Uncle Rodge would say. I couldn’t help but wonder why he seemed so apathetic about one of his brothers faceplanting from a dangerous height. Why, Dilly Bar, WHY?
Then, all at once, I understood everything.
The man who fell was not a member of that fraternity.
It all makes sense now.
Do you guys watch Psych? If not, you should. Great show. At the end of every episode, Shawn Spencer goes and tells the story, to a T, of exactly what happened in whatever case he was hired to solve. While I do not have his pseudo-psychic, hyper-observant abilities, I do have an Associate’s degree in Criminology from DeVry, which more than qualifies me to tell you guys exactly what happened here.
Let’s go inside the mind of a Will Dille.
It’s bid day, and Slick Willy Dille approves a raucous event full of day drankin’ and booty spankin’. It’s a TFM. One of the JIs, probably named Ricardo or something, invites “Carrot,” his GDI friend from his floor freshman year, to come and dip his dick into the frat life. Carrot is kind of shy (he is called Carrot because during welcome week the RA found him passed out in his room with a carrot shoved up his ass, resulting in him being blackballed at every house on campus), and is just looking like a total skeeze.
Then, boom. It’s bitty o’clock. The newly-bidded girls begin to walk in front of the house. Willionaire wants to make a good impression on the freshmen. He’s flexing, doing shrugs with handles of Captain Morgan, maybe a few meatspins — just killing it. But all is not right. He notices the girls aren’t looking at him. They’ve got their sights set on that dweeb Carrot, who’s sporting the creepiest smile you’ve ever seen. Brothers are outraged.
Brother 1: “Did he just wave to them and tell them they were almost as pretty as his Mom? What the fuck?”
Brother 2: “Wait… Did he just cross his legs? Is he hiding his fucking boner right now?”
Ricardo: “Stop being mean to Carrot, guys. A lot of people cross their legs. It’s a comfortable way to sit.”
Brother 2: “I mean yeah, but he’s standing… This geed’s on top of our house doing the fucking tree pose right now.”
Ricardo: “I’ll go talk to him.”
Brother 3: (In a drunken fit of rage) “I’ll handle this.”
Brother 3 then walks over to Carrot, picks him up, and throws him off the balcony. He then talks to Will Dille, who decides to play it off as an accident. But what about Desmond Harris, the star witness? Dille Pickles has got that covered. He pays him off, $100 for every punctuation mark he leaves out of his testimony.
It was almost the perfect crime, OU SAE, but you can’t fool the fooler.
The DeVry Guy, Private Eye.
Case solved, bitches.
UPDATE: Below is a photo of the geed.