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Get Drunk On The First Date

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I have two favorite hobbies: getting drunk, and going on disastrous first dates with girls who would rather shove a live rat up their butthole than ever see me again. I recently stumbled upon a magical epiphany that I can maximize my joy by combining these two things into one activity. My world was never the same again.

For some people, there’s an unfair social stigma involving getting drunk on a first date. The ignorant pricks who believe this are close-minded cunt nuggets. They’re delusional psychopaths and they’re all prime candidates for this year’s biggest mass shooter. Avoid them.

Dates can be a lame, by-the-numbers charade, and it can quickly become tedious. You dance around the same conversation topics (work, pop culture, and 9/11 conspiracy theories), and the same general interview questions. Generic crap like “what’d you major in?” or “what kind of music do you listen to?” or “did you do 9/11?”

So why not spice things up? Next time you’re on a date, order more than just one beer at that restaurant. Finish that first beer, then order 11 more, minimum. Order a bunch of shots of the strongest liquor they have. If you run out of money, piss into a cup and drink the cup because there’s alcohol in your urine when you’re drunk. That’s a scientific fact. Also, it’s not true.

At this point, I know you’re probably wondering, “should my date drink, too?” It’s a valid question. Especially if you’re footing the bill, you don’t wanna drain your 401k just to pay for all those gross shots, and I don’t even know what a 401k is. But the answer is simple: hell no.

Your date should be completely sober. That’s what makes it fun.

This is important for multiple reasons. First off, your date should be sober so she can give you a ride home. Don’t use Uber, though. I once had an Uber driver play a Limp Bizkit song on his Spotify and I’ve been boycotting them ever since. On top of that, it’s no fun if you’re BOTH drunk. How are you supposed to act foolish and embarrass yourself if your date is acting just as retarded as you? There are only a few ways to humiliate yourself in the eyes of another drunk person, but they’re all considered felonies.

On top of that, don’t try to hook up with them. They don’t want to be dead sober and have sex with an intoxicated mess; they’re not a monster. So don’t try to fuck them. As a matter of fact, try to fuck everyone BUT them. Everyone. Your server, your bartender, your chair. Stumble outside and spit pickup lines at homeless dudes. Your date will respect you for this. It’s a power move.

If your date is at the movies, just smuggle in at least eight bottles of whiskey up your ass. Take swigs of the whiskey throughout the movie (wash the bottles first, though). Make sure you finish the first bottle by the time the previews end. God knows you won’t be able to enjoy The Fate Of The Furious if you’re sober.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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