gewd playces fur pusy

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Editor’s Note: This column is one of the most absurd things we’ve ever received, but it was too weird and good not to post.

gewd playces fur pusy

hi guiz mi naem iz ruger_dern n i em guna tel u bowt sum gewd playces 2 get pusy n plaeces wear u woe’nt fynd pusy wyle u r hoem dis sumer:

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teh beech;

y: teh beech iz a grate spot 2 fynd kwality pusy , n teh bichs der r preti much allredey neked. [i stil du nawt get y dey r kewl wit u ceeing dem in a bekeenie , but dey freek owt wen i watsh dem in dere underware frum teh kloset, stewpid slets}

how 2 du et: it iz sewper eezy u idiuts , jus burie urself in teh sand n stay stil! if u du nawt mewv dey wil tink u r nawt dere n sit dowen on ur faec! i du dis alut n wen teh girlz reeleyes i em dere dey r lyk “lul ruger_dern u r sneeky!” n i jus sey “shut uhp n suk mi dik” n tey du bcuz i em nawt becon.

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a parc:

y: biches go 2 teh pac 4 alut uf reesons , lyk 2 taek a wahlk , 2 haev a picknick , ore 2 playe hopsketch. but studees i rite haev shewn teh leeding reeson wimen go 2 teh parc is 2 get dik.

how 2 du et: dis won reekwires alut uf confedance , teh furst ting u kneed 2 dew iz fynd a parc bentch n sit dere. w8 4 a bich 2 cum by n luk @ u, wen dey dew dis et iz a byologicul sine dat dey wunt 2 c ur peenus. maek small talch, maybee cumplimeant wut dey r wareing or sum shet, ef dey stahp 2 telk, awfer 2 sho ur dik wimen wil sey yes lyk 85 pursent uf teh tiem bcuz alut uf dem r slets. ulso, ef u r haevin trubel giting atentshun thro a rok @ teh wimen u wunt, dey wil luk.

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howse partehs:

y: bcuz @ a howse parteh evry1 iz guna b drank frum adult soduh. wen peepel r drank dey r moar lykely 2 fuk ur peenus , espushely becon.

how 2 du et: b4 u go 2 a parteh, pul up a list uf ur favret porn nd bufher a few vidz on ur fone [persunali i lyk sput porn , i reelie njoy wen gurlz sput on meh}. nao, go 2 the parteh n haev sum drenks , keep drenkin alut, (u no u wil b redy to talk 2 gurlz wen u feel lyk u r goin 2 vumit, dat iz ur bawdies naturelle wey uf seyin “hey ruger_dern, u haev 2 much sumen in u, plz go put sum in a vujyna”] nao u wil go up 2 wutevr gurl u wunt n pul up teh porn n sey teh foloing frayze: “i wunt u 2 dew dis 2 mi kok’ but b cairful, aftr dey c teh porn teh flore wil b wet frum dere pusy joose bcuz dey r xsited.

bad playces 4 pusy:

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owter spuss,

y et iz bad: u kunt uze teh classick frat lyn “wunt 2 cum upstares n c my harmunica?’ bcuz u r stuk in fukin owter spuss ! getin a gurl hoem frum owter spuss iz lyk 3tiems wurs den trieing 2 manetane teh mewd on a lawng walk bak frum teh bar wit ur bich. ulso, if u deeside “fuk it #yolo” n jus fuk in owter spuss ur sumen wil flowet evryware n git on al ur shet wen u r dun. #ew.

a vallcane-o

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y et iz bad: cuntrary 2 populer beleef vallcane-os r terrabull playces 2 fynd pusy. teh big kokblok abowt dem iz if u git lawva on u et kan rewin ur cloweths n u kan ulso dye. teh onli tiem u shood bring ur bich heer iz ef she iz beeing a rachet bich n wunts 2 maek it “faysbuk uffishul’. ruger_derns dik iz 2 big 4 onli won bich.

dat abowt sums et al up guis, mi adderull iz warein off n i reely need 2 maek pewps bad. i hoep dis helpz u guis get nee-depp in sum pusy , or buthoel ef u r becon.

k
bi ruger_dern

***

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Ruger_Dern

ruger_ 'teh big dog" dern (@rugerfdern) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. From Ruger: "undr teh part ware u sey i em an cuntributin riter, maek sure 2 mention mi big dik n how i bang becca on teh reg" #hire_ruger_ student @ ITTTecknikulUunivercityUfDuhvryFeenixesUnline ITTTUUDFU.EDU.YOLO

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