A Guide To Having A Guy-Girl-Girl Threesome, From A Girl

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I have a thing for a good, old-fashioned threesome. I was a 15-year-old when I had my first one. It was about this time I started to notice I was liking girls in the same way I was liking guys. Being the curious mind that I am, I tested it out. But because I pride myself in being an overachiever, I had a threesome with two girls. Yep, turns out I was right about the whole sexuality thing.

Threesomes are a huge part of college. It seems like everyone “almost” has one, and it’s seen as some sort of rite of passage. Here’s how you make it go down and not embarrass yourself in front of two girls at once.

Never Have One With Your Girlfriend

I don’t care how down to earth your girl is, she’s not down with another girl touching your disco stick. No matter how many times she insists she’s cool with it, turn it down. Five times out of ten it’s a trap because she wants validation to her claims that you don’t think she’s pretty enough. 4/10 times she really does think she’s cool with it, but will realize that she’s really not once she sees you ogling the other girl. And 1/10 she really, really doesn’t care, which means she wants to hook up with someone else and doesn’t care if you hook up with another person — in which case your relationship is either very open or pretty much already over.

The Girls Have To Be Bi

It doesn’t matter if she’s real bi or college sophomore bi. What matters is when she is presented with a vagina, she’ll start licking, not running. It’s the same concept as when you’re hooking up with a girl one-on-one; if she looks disinterested, let alone a little disgusted while fucking, it’s a turn-off. Plus there’s bound to be less jealousy and less consequence if they’re actually hooking up too instead of feeling like they need to compete for your attention. And, when you need your break before round two, they can preoccupy each other instead of sitting awkwardly, waiting for you to recover.

Call All The Shots

Girls are lazy in bed. That’s just a fact. Personally, I love not doing any of the work because I get all the pleasure, but also because I don’t have to worry about whether or not the other person is getting off. They might hate it, but as long as I follow their directions, I’m doing my part. Now is the main time to release your inner dictator. There’s no room for awkwardness if you just start telling them exactly what you want them to do from the beginning.

Don’t Waste Time When You’re Home

So you’ve made it home with two lovely ladies. If something was going to go wrong, now is the time that it will. Sure, the girls you’re with seemed so ready and carefree back at the bar, but now shit just got real. Once they leave the bar, reality sets in. If you’re stalling because you’re nervous, you can kiss your chances goodbye. Taking them home was half the battle, getting them to stay is the uphill part. Get in there and attempt to seal the deal as soon as that front door closes. And if they renege on their promise, don’t be a dick about it.

Have More Options Available Than Just Your Bed

The point of a threesome is that it explores desires that are past sexual norms. Do you really want to waste this time in the bed? What’s next, just trading off missionary? At least act like you’re adventurous. Move from the shower (which is a fantastic way to start, as they will get fully naked, not just tits out for the boys), to the kitchen, to the roof. Introduce some handcuffs and whipped cream. Ask for anal. That can go one of two ways, by the way — either they both think you’re disgusting, or they’ll be competing for who you want more, and one will give in. Sure, there’s a 50-percent chance it will backfire, but that’s greater odds than you normally get.

One And Done

Once you’ve had sex with two girls, you walk away. If one was a regular fuck buddy, then by all means, keep her around. But trust me, keep her around and have threesomes with her and OTHER girls, not the first one again. Introducing in the same girl will cause problems. Besides, say you actually do like one of them. Are you going to explain to your children that the first night you met their mommy you were plowing her from behind as she licked her way through another girl? Didn’t think so.

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Blondie is a contributing writer for TSM despite the numerous requests of her termination. She excels at being an underachiever and is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com

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