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Give Boner Pills The Old College Try

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Insurance is a necessity. Health insurance for when you piss fire, dental insurance for when you try to open a beer bottle with your teeth, and life insurance to help ease the pain for your loving family when a “You won’t” goes terribly, terribly wrong. It’s only logical that you get some insurance for the one thing in your life that has been with you through thick and thin (women), your hog.

Now when I mean insurance in this scenario, I’m talking about the peace of mind that your soldier will stand at attention when he’s finally called to duty. Every man has been through the horrors of whiskey dick at some level. Sometimes you don’t finish and other times you’re pushing rope. On the rare occasion, the unspeakable happens.

That girl you’ve been jiving-up all night with stories about that sweet fish tank in your room has finally decided to go home with you, and now she’s laying on your disgusting twin-sized mattress. You managed to make her laugh by pressing your beer bottle to the front of your zipper and hip thrusting, telling her you would, “Sink her battleship with your pink torpedo.” The mood is set, but your pocket rocket is out of fuel. You immediately panic. You take a pull of the cheap whiskey you have sitting on your dresser to calm you down, but you realize it’s making matters worse. Your boner is losing life faster than your iPhone battery while watching Youtube videos without wifi. This girl likes you and thinks you’re funny so she decides to give you a hand, and a mouth, but it’s useless. Your noodle has gone from al dente to wet and overcooked. You lay there next to her, ashamed and pissed off. Realizing what has happened, she slightly chuckles and leaves.

Sure, I’ve been haunted by this exact scenario a few times in my life. I’m not ashamed to say it. One day, one of my roommates said a friend of his took some boner pills from his Dad’s dresser and gave him a few. When this golden opportunity revealed itself, I experimented and gave the blue pill the ol’ college try, and it changed me. Forever.

It doesn’t give you an instant boner so you don’t have to pop one right before log jamming your lady. You take it before the night starts and it kicks in when you’re about to bone. My confidence level was through the roof the entire night, more so than usual. Knowing your dick is going to work regardless of how much alcohol you consume is such a relieving feeling. Those fucking blue pills turned this average fucker into an Olympic gold medalist fuck machine. I felt like a younger, equally as hairy Ron Jeremy, drunk off cheap well drinks and light beer.

I’m not here to advocate abusing prescription medication, but definitely give boner pills a go. You’ll fuck like a young breeding bull that doesn’t mind smashing some cows every so often. But when you rock a diamond hard beef stick in the sack, those dairy cows will talk to the hotter, big utter cows, and they’ll come home looking for you. You’ll have them jumping over the moon and onto your flank steak with ease ready to make cream cheese.

If this tiny tablet can make old people fuck, I don’t see the problem with taking it in preparation for a night of blacking out. You’ll know it’s working when your head starts throbbing and you feel like you shot-gunned a Red Bull. Don’t do it for me, don’t do it for her, do it for yourself you limp-dicked maniac.

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