How about our boy Un? First, he drops a cure for every disease known to man — from cancer and AIDS to ebola and homosexuality. Then, that magnificent little scoundrel follows it up with a new, much more efficient method of natural resource excavation. By blasting nukes underground, he’s saving countless years of grueling manual labor and the precious time of thousands of North Korean miners who would get “held up” on the job. The Democratic People’s Republic has never had a death from a work related accident ever. That’s just cold hard fact.
If he’s not already a shoo-in for TIME’s “Person of the Year,” it’ll be the biggest screw job in the magazine’s 93 year history. Wouldn’t surprise me if he walks away with a clean sweep and takes home the Nobel Peace Prize, either. But if you thought the supreme leader was done making a splash and leaving this world a better place because of assured accolades, then you don’t know the supreme leader.
According to the most trusted and objective newspaper on the planet, the Pyongyang Times, Kim Jong and company have completed easily their most important accomplishment to date: inventing a liquor that gets you faded at night but leaves you feeling refreshed the next morning. Yes, a fucking hangover-less alcohol.
This “suave” liquor is made from a plant extract called ginseng, and uses glutinous rice instead of sugar.
This secret blend of six-year-old ginseng and “scorched rice,” produced by Taedonggang Foodstuff Factory researchers, is what makes the alcohol hangover-free, the article reported.
“Koryo Liquor, which is made of six-year-old Kaesong Koryo insam, known as being highest in medicinal effect, and the scorched rice, is highly appreciated by experts and lovers as it is suave and causes no hangover,”
Think about a life without hangovers. Suddenly, you don’t feel like such a piece of shit for waking up at three in the afternoon only to shower, chug some water, and head back to bed. Maybe you use this newfound weekend daylight to hit the gym or go for a run — finally making good on that proclamation of turning things around twenty pounds ago. Or, you get in some more time with your buddies fishing, hunting, or just starting to drink again. Either way, your life improves significantly.
Un’s over here playing a million games of chess at once — winning them all in three moves or less (or else) — while the rest of the world is just unfolding the checkerboard..
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