Giving 5 Universities More Fitting Mascots

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Nice Move

psu mascot

What’s in a name? Would a Tiger or Wildcat by any other name seem as unoriginal? Some schools pay homage to their state’s rich history by nicknaming teams after groups of settlers, native tribes, or major events. Some schools couldn’t be bothered. Let’s take five schools with tired, recycled nicknames and give better, more representative mascots.

1. Temple University

Old Name: Owls
New Name: Drivebys

When I think nocturnal predators taking up residence in Northeast Philly, the owl doesn’t come to mind. And who the hell is afraid of an Owl? I’m not even sure if trees still exist in Northeast Philadelphia. Temple deserves a mascot that better encompasses the feelings of danger and hopelessness that define Northeast Philly. It’s just the kind of intimidating mascot needed to rocket Temple to the top of the AAC. Maybe big brother ACC will take notice.

2. Kansas State

Old Name: Wildcats
New Name: Heart Disease

In a state filled with sunflowers and doublewides, who fears a Wildcat? Certainly not a Jayhawk. For K-State to regain relevance in the Big 12, they should name themselves after the biggest killer in the midwest. Kansas is a boring-ass state. But, at least it’s not…

3. Missouri

Old Name: Tigers
New Name: Exodus

Not only are Tigers effectively extinct in Mizzou, the student body is following suit, thanks to Concerned Students 1950. The “Show Me State” is quickly becoming the “Show Me the Door” state for college students.

4. Penn State

Old Name: Nittany Lions
New Name: Inmates

A more fitting name would be the ‘Cougars,’ because at least those probably still exist in State College. They like ’em young in University Park. However, we’re going pretty literal with this name. What do you expect to see at the State Pen? Inmates. Plus, you’ll want to avoid the showers when the inmates around.

5. Baylor

Old Name: Bears
New Name: Green Mile

Lions, tigers and bears…Oh my. Baylor football is the best thing to happen to Waco, Texas, since David Koresh. Baylor deserves a nickname that references the school’s colors while acknowledging the direction its athletics are headed. Anyone who saw the eponymous film knows that the green mile is synonymous with the death penalty.

Better yet, we could call them the Baylor Maybelline. My girlfriend tells me that shit will cover anything up.

Image via Shutterstock

Kramer is a future Bachelorette contestant with an affinity for brown girls, who hails from the more successful side of the keystone state. He enjoys long crawls to the liquor cabinet and has only been punched in the face once. Send lovelies to kraysmash@gmail.com

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