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Good Booze, Good Friends, Good Music

Brothers,

I have a quick question for y’all. What is better than being drunk out of your mind while you sing your favorite band’s best song in the middle of a raging concert? I’ll give you a hint: fucking nothing. This week, I want to give all of you a few ideas on who to see in concert this summer in order to fully facilitate the best possible time for you and your compadres. Now, obviously your geographical location might impede your attendance to these shows, but instead of whining about the distance, maybe you should just put your drinking pants on and turn the trip into a booze cruise. If you’ve heard of any of these bands, good for you. If you haven’t, figure it out.

Avett Brothers:

If your granddaddy that plays banjo used to blow lines with his buddies when he was younger and then went nuts on stage with some sort of insane combination of bluegrass, rock, soul, and pure awesomeness…then the Avett Brothers would be your grandfather. And that would be pretty cool. Their high intensity songs are equally balanced out by their hauntingly slow ballads. Don’t worry, it’s ok to cry. Everyone else will be blackout and probably won’t remember. Probably.

Best Lyric: “Hell has no fury like a woman…happy, scorned, or otherwise.”

Drive By Truckers:

If bourbon could play music, it would sound like Drive By Truckers. Listening to Drive By Truckers is like getting into a time machine operated by the drunken ghost of Duane Allman (don’t worry, ghosts legally can’t get DUIs). In fact, if you transported yourself back to your dad’s raging days, he probably went to concerts that sounded exactly like this. You have the advantage over him though, because this isn’t his generation, so the women aren’t rocking 70’s bush.

Best Lyric: “Whiskey is harder to keep than a woman and it’s half as sweet but women without whiskey…whiskey is hard to beat”

Guster:

I don’t think anyone would try to make the argument that the guys in Guster are badasses. In spite of that, their music is magical. Plus the ladies love their tunes. If you want a girl’s panties to drop faster than any mallard stupid enough to look me in the eyes in October, take her to a Guster show

Best Lyric: “Glad you made it, welcome to the farm. Who’s your daddy, I’m your daddy now.”

Bob Schneider:

Everyone in Central Texas just came in their pants. Bob Schneider is an Austin legend. He’s had numerous opportunities to sign to a big label, but he’s content with just doing his own thing. What is that thing exactly? No one’s really sure, but if I had to guess I’d say that if rock, funk, jazz, rap, and acoustic guitar had some kind of disgusting music orgy…their mutant child would be the kid that Bob Schneider’s music beat up on the playground. Bob is known for his legendary shows at Antone’s in Austin. If you’ve been to Austin, but haven’t been to Antone’s, hire a life coach, because you are on the wrong path. His concerts get out of control. He insults guys in graphic tees from the stage, and pours beer on them when they argue with him. His guitarist brings girls up and uses their bodies as an improvised guitar slide. Last time I was at an Antone’s Bob show, Watkins got knocked the fuck out, which was sorta ok, because Watkins is kind of an asshole.

Best Lyric: “Superman can go and kiss my ass, half nitroglyce, half fiberglass.”

Some of you are probably thinking, where are Dave, Old Crow, Widespread Panic, and OAR etc.? Think of this list as the bullpen to augment your starting rotation. Plus, I’m not sure I can stomach another Dave Matthews argument. If you like it, then jam it. If you don’t, then shut the hell up. Actually, let’s copy and paste that for all arguments about music from now on. But you should all know, if you want to see me this summer, just show up to a Bob Schneider concert. I’ll either be in the front, drunkenly knocking people over, or passed the fuck out in the bathroom. Either way, it’ll be a success.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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